Romeo and Juliet
by Nova-chan
Summary: Next scene uploaded! YAY! Filia's not too upset about the fate that has befallen Romeo! Wonder why? Phibby and Gaav are out like lights! Who can control all the madness?
1. Choosies!

Romeo and Juliet  
  
  
  
**  
  
Cutie Corner  
  
NoV: I plan to do a romantic tragedy, based on Shakespeare's play, Romeo and Juliet, starring a Slayers couple. I can't decide which, though I am sliding toward a certain one. I need the audience's help in deciding. Please no yaoi/yuri couples.  
  
Xelloss: Like mexGoo.  
  
NoV: Oh, don't mind him. He's just afraid of admitting his true feelings.  
  
Xelloss: :p  
  
NoV: Anyway, give me a hint as to who your favorite couple is, and whoever gets the most votes wins! 


	2. Cast of Characters and Behind the Scenes

Romeo and Juliet  
  
Cast of characters:  
  
Director (purchases cupcakes and coffee): Bishounen  
  
Escalus (prince of Verona): Milgasia.  
  
Paris (a young nobleman): Valgaav  
  
Capulet (head of Capulet house, father of Juliet): Zelgadis  
  
Romeo (son of Montague): Xelloss  
  
Mercutio (Romeo's best friend, the entertainer): Phibby  
  
Benvolio (Romeo's cousin, peacemaker): Gourry  
  
Tybalt (cousin of Juliet): Gaav  
  
Friar Laurence (Romeo's confidante): Martina  
  
Apothecary: Rezo/Kopii Rezo  
  
Lady Montague (mother of Romeo): Zelas  
  
Lady Capulet (mother of Juliet): Amelia  
  
Juliet (daughter of Capulet) Lina  
  
Nurse (Juliet's confidante): Filia  
  
Chorus: Sylphiel  
  
Person on charge of the lights: NoV  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Behind the scenes:  
  
Bishounen: I'm finally getting the big job I always wanted! Finally, I'm important!  
  
NoV: Of course you are, dear. Go get me a cupcake.  
  
Bishounen: Oh-kay!  
  
Martina: Nova-chan! I demand to know why I have to play the part of a man!  
  
NoV: It was common in Shakespeare's day. Think of it as tradition.  
  
Martina: But I wanted to be Juliet!  
  
NoV: Juliet has to kiss Xelloss.  
  
Martina: Eww. Never mind!  
  
Lina: About that kiss, I want everyone to realize that the kiss IS fake!!  
  
Xelloss: (phases in) Of course, Lina-chan. If you say so.  
  
Lina: You'd better not try anything funny!  
  
Xelloss: ^.^  
  
Lina: Grrrrr...  
  
Amelia: Is Miss Lady Capulet a queen of Justice?  
  
NoV: She isn't a queen at all.  
  
Amelia: If she were a queen would she be a queen of Justice.  
  
NoV: Interpret it the way you want.  
  
Zelas: (phases in) Well, I'm sure that Lady Montague would be the best actress.  
  
Amelia: No, she wouldn't! Miss Lady Capulet would! Because she has the power of Justice on her side!! And a husband.  
  
Zelgadis: We're only pretend husband and wife. Remember that.  
  
Amelia: Of course, Mr. Zelgadis.  
  
Xelloss: I love you, Mommy! (glomp)  
  
Zelas: Yes, yes. Don't suck up to me in public, dear.  
  
Bishounen: (huff, huff) Here's your cupcake! (hands NoV a misshapen pastry smeared with multi-colored icing, and few hundred toothpicks sticking in it)  
  
NoV: (takes the cupcake) Bish..where in the heck did you get this?  
  
Bishounen: (smiles proudly) I made it all by myself!  
  
NoV: Oh..well, it's lovely.  
  
Bishounen: Isn't it?  
  
Gaav: I have arrived.  
  
NoV: Yes, you have.  
  
Gaav: I shall bring fame from all over to this play!  
  
Xelloss: I'm looking forward to killing you.  
  
Gaav: And I'm looking forward to killing Hellmaster.  
  
Phibby: Sweet lil ole me?  
  
Xelloss: Hi Phibby, best buddy, Mercutio!  
  
Phibby: Hiya best buddy, Romeo!  
  
Filia: (walks in holding Val's hand) Come on, sweetie. We're here, everyone!  
  
Xelloss: Yes. Hello overweight, obnoxious nurse.  
  
Filia: Why you!! Val, honey, cover your eyes. (pulls out her mace, and swings and Xelloss with it) Come back here, you coward!!  
  
Xelloss: (floats away) No thanks, Fi-chan! We stars like to keep our faces clean.  
  
NoV: I knew he was gonna gloat. (sigh)  
  
Val: (grabs NoV's collar) Shoot me.  
  
NoV: If I did, then who would hit on Juliet?  
  
Lina: What??  
  
Val: (gulp)  
  
Kopii: NoV? How are both of us gonna be the apothecary?  
  
NoV: Well, if one of you are unable to perform, you'll have a back-up.  
  
Rezo: You'd better back down now, Kopii. I'm playing the apothecary.  
  
Kopii: As if! (blasts Rezo) If you're unable to perform, I get to take over.  
  
Rezo: Like that'd ever happen. (blasts Kopii)  
  
NoV: (ignores the brawl) Bish? Go get Zel some coffee. I think he needs it.  
  
Amelia: (poking Zelgadis) Mr. Zelgadis. Mr. Zelgadis. Mr. Zelgadis. Mr. Zelgadis. Mr. Zelgadis. Mr. Zelgadis. Mr. Zelgadis. Mr. Zelgadis. Mr. Zelgadis. Mr. Zelgadis. Mr. Zelgadis. Mr. Zelgadis.  
  
Bishounen: Right! Be right back!  
  
Sylphiel: We're here! Sorry we're late.  
  
Gourry: (waves)  
  
NoV: Where have you been?  
  
Sylphiel: I had to fix my sweet, widdle Goo-chan's hair. It was sticking up funny.  
  
Gourry: (hair plastered to his head with gel) She said it was getting in the way of my pretty face.  
  
NoV: Now we're just waiting for Milgasia...  
  
Milgasia: I've been here the whole time.  
  
NoV: What??? No, you haven't!!  
  
Milgasia: Just kidding.  
  
NoV: -.-0 Are we all here and ready?  
  
Minna: (various answers)  
  
NoV: Oh-kay, it's just about time to get started. Let's do this. 


	3. Act 1 Scene 1

Romeo and Juliet  
  
**  
  
NoV: Oh-kay, Sylphiel. Time for the chorus. Go on out there!  
  
Sylphiel: Oh-kay. Gourry-dear, I'll be right back. Don't you worry.  
  
Gourry: Bye, bye.  
  
Sylphiel: (walks onto the stage) Good evening, everyone! (sings) Two households, both alike in dignity!  
  
NoV: Gah! She's not supposed to actually sing it!!  
  
Sylphiel: In FAIR Verona where we lay our scene! From ancient grudge break to new mutiny!  
  
NoV: Well, I did say for everyone to use their own interpretation. (sigh)  
  
Gourry: Nova-chan? There's no kitchen in here!  
  
NoV: You don't have time to eat! You're in the next scene!!  
  
Gourry: Aww..  
  
Sylphiel: Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean! From forth the fatal loins of these two foes! A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life. Whose misadventur'd piteous overthrows! Do with their death bury their parents' strife. The fearful passage of their death-mark'd love! And the continuance of their parents' rage! Which but their children's end nought could remove! Is now the two hours' traffick of out stage! The which if you with patient ear attend! What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend! (bows) Thank-you, thank-you. (goes backstage)  
  
NoV: All right, for this first scene, I only need Lady Montague and Benvolio. Zelas? Gourry? Get out there!  
  
Zelas: See you in a few, Xelly-boy!  
  
Xelloss: Bai Mommy! (waves)  
  
(Zelas and Gourry walk onto the stage)  
  
Zelas: (poses) O! Where is Romeo? Saw you him to-day? Right glad I am he was not at this fray.  
  
Gourry: From what I see, he's under a tree.  
  
Zelas: (sweatdrop) Many a morning hath he been seen, with tears augmenting the fresh morning dew, adding to the clouds with his deep-oh, forget it. (puffs her cigarette)  
  
NoV: (behind the curtain) No! This isn't happening! Bish! You're the director! Take control of these people!  
  
Bishounen: (peers onto the stage, whispers) Zelas?  
  
Zelas: (looks over her shoulder) Yes?  
  
NoV: -.-0 Never mind. Skip to the part where Lady Montague exits and Romeo enters.  
  
Zelas: (leaves with a sassy walk)  
  
NoV: Xelloss? You're on. (waits) Xelloss?? (looks around, suspiciously) Xelloss!!  
  
Filia: It's just like that stupid namagomi to do something like this. You can't trust mazoku, because they're evil and ugly and WEIRD!!  
  
NoV: Oh-kay, enough of that. Xelloss!!!!  
  
(back on-stage)  
  
Gourry: (stupidly looks around) Well.. (gasp) This is my big break!! (starts singing) Oh bee-u-tee-ful for manga skies! For anime waves of plain! For superstitious magic-lees upon the fruity grain! America, AMERICA! L-sama shed some slight on me!  
  
NoV: (hits her head on a pole) My life is over.  
  
Rezo: Take that!! (kicks Kopii)  
  
Kopii: You kick like a girl!! (whacks Rezo)  
  
Rezo: You ARE a girl! (steps on Kopii's foot)  
  
Milgasia: (to Phibby) You know, I once played Romeo in this same play.  
  
Phibby: (skeptically) Oh, really?  
  
Milgasia: Just kidding.  
  
Phibby: (sigh)  
  
NoV: XELLOSS!!! YOU'RE RUINING MY PLAY!!  
  
(back on-stage)  
  
Gourry: Ta-DA!!  
  
Audience: (chirp, chirp)  
  
Xelloss: (appears out of nowhere) It is I, Romeo Montague!  
  
Gourry: Um..morning, cousin!  
  
Xelloss: Is the day so young?  
  
Gourry: It's nine o'clock.  
  
Xelloss: Ay me! sad hours seem long. Was that my mother that went hence so fast?  
  
Gourry: Um..yeah. Why're you sad?  
  
NoV: (rubs forehead) I knew Gourry wouldn't know any of the lines. I knew it I knew it I knew it. Bishounen, do my a favor and massage my shoulders.  
  
Bishounen: Ay, ay, captain!  
  
Xelloss: Not having that, which having, makes them short. (poses dramatically)  
  
Gourry: Huh?  
  
Xelloss: Out-  
  
Gourry: Out where?  
  
Xelloss: Out of her favour, where I am in love.  
  
Gourry: Who?  
  
Xelloss: Alas! That love, whose view is muffled still, should, without eyes, see pathways to his will. Where shall we dine? O me! What fray was here? Yet tell me not, for I have heard it all. Here's much to do with hate, but more with love. Why then, O brawling love! O loving hate! O any thing! Of nothing first create. O heavy lightness! Serious vanity! Mis- shapen chaos of well-seeming forms! Feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire, sick health! Still-waking sleep, that is not what it is! This love feel I, that feel no love in this. Dost thou not laugh?  
  
NoV: Well, somebody certainly knows their lines. Gaav, bring me my peanuts, please.  
  
Gaav: I left them in the car.  
  
NoV: In your car?  
  
Gaav: (sarcasm) No. In the police car.  
  
NoV: (giggles) Excuse me, officer, but I do believe that you have my nuts. (laughs harder)  
  
Zelgadis: And the insanity spreads.  
  
Amelia: Mr. Zelgadis, I LOVE you!!  
  
Zelgadis: Curse the day I married a swine.  
  
Amelia: Are you calling me fat??  
  
Zelgadis: No. I was comparing fate to a farm animal. Marrying fate is being cursed. And fate is a fat pig. Understand??  
  
Amelia: Don't use metaphors in the presence of a lady!  
  
Zelgadis: (grabs NoV's collar) Shoot me.  
  
NoV: Am I gonna have to start a self-help group in here or what??  
  
Valgaav: I am not a child. I am not a child. I am not a child. I am not a child. I am not a child.  
  
Sylphiel: Yes, and keep saying that until you FEEL it.  
  
(back on-stage)  
  
Gourry: No, I'm crying.  
  
Xelloss: Good heart, at what?  
  
Gourry: Because you're crying.  
  
Xelloss: Why, such is love's transgression. Griefs of mine own lie heavy in my breast. (giggle)  
  
NoV: Immature baka.  
  
Xelloss: Which thou wilt propagate to have it press'd with more of thine: this love that thou hast shown doth add more grief to too much of mine own. Love is a smoke rais'd with the fume of sighs. Being purg'd, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes. Being vex'd, a sea nourish'd with lovers' tears. What is it else? A madness most discreet. A choking fall, and a preserving sweet. Farewell my coz. (begins to walk away)  
  
Gourry: I wanna go too!  
  
Xelloss: Tut! I have lost myself; I am not here; This is not Romeo; he's some other where.  
  
Gourry: Hee. Under-wear.  
  
Xelloss: What! shall I groan and tell thee?  
  
Gourry: Um..uh-huh.  
  
Xelloss: Bid a sick man in sadness make his will; Ah! Word ill urg'd to one that is so ill. In sadness, cousin, I do love a woman.  
  
Gourry: I should hope so.  
  
Xelloss: A right good mark-man! And she's fair I love.  
  
Gourry: What does that mean?  
  
Xelloss: Well, in that hit you miss: she'll not be hit. With Cupid's arrow; she hath Dian's wit; and, in strong proof of chastity well arm'd, from love's weak childish blow she lives unharm'd. She will not stay the siege of loving terms, nor bide the encounter of assailing eyes, nor ope her lap to saint-seducing gold: O! she is rich in beauty; only poor that, which she dies, with beauty dies her store.  
  
Gourry: Store?  
  
(back-stage)  
  
Kopii: You shall perish... (flicks Rezo)  
  
Rezo: I'll destroy you.. (pokes Kopii)  
  
NoV: Martina! You're not dressed for your part! You're wearing that skimpy thing!!  
  
Martina: Your point?  
  
NoV: You can't be skimpy in a Shakespearean play! You look like a prostitute!  
  
Martina: So? They had prostitutes, didn't they?  
  
NoV: Yes, but you're supposed to be a man!!  
  
Martina: Ohh..heh. Right. (goes to dress)  
  
NoV: Headache, headache, headache.  
  
(back on-stage)  
  
Xelloss: She hath, and in that sparing makes huge waste; for beauty, starv'd with her severity, cuts beauty off from all posterity. She is too fair, too wise, wisely too fair. To merit bliss by making me despair: she hath forsworn to love, and in that vow do I live dead that live to tell it now.  
  
Gourry: Zzzzzzzzz...  
  
Xelloss: (loudly) O!!  
  
Gourry: Huh?? Wha?  
  
Xelloss: Teach me how I should forget to think.  
  
Gourry: Oh, it's easy to forget to think. You just uhhhhhhhhhh...  
  
Xelloss: 'Tis the way to call hers exquisite, in question more. These happy masks that kiss fair ladies' brows being black puts us in mind they hide the fair: he that is strucken blind cannot forget the precious treasure of eyesight lost: show me a mistress that is passing fair, what doth he beauty serve but as a note where I may read who pass'd that passing fair? Farewell: thou canst not teach me to forget.  
  
Gourry: And then you uhhhhhhhhhhhh...  
  
(Gourry and Xelloss leave the stage)  
  
NoV: That could've been worse. I'm not sure how, but-  
  
Xelloss: I am the best actor to have ever played the part of Romeo!  
  
Lina: Yeah, right.  
  
Xelloss: Juliet! I love thee.  
  
Lina: Why did I try out for this part? Why, why, why??  
  
NoV: Join us for the next scene! 


	4. Act 1 Scene 2

Romeo and Juliet  
  
**  
  
NoV: Oh-kay, hopefully we've worked out all the bugs from the last scene. If you get all your lines right, Gourry, I'll throw you a brownie party.  
  
Gourry: With brownies??  
  
NoV: Um..yes. With brownies.  
  
Gourry: I'll DO it!!!  
  
NoV: Good. But, for the first part, I only need Capulet and Paris. Zel? Val? It's time.  
  
Zel&Val: I HAVE TO WORK WITH **HIM**???  
  
NoV: Well, you're both paranoidal kings of angst, you should work very efficiently together.  
  
Zelgadis: (glare)  
  
Valgaav: (glare)  
  
Zel&Val: Oh-kay.  
  
(Zelgadis and Valgaav walk onto the stage)  
  
Zelgadis: Montague is bound as well as I, in penalty alike; and 'tis not hard, I think-  
  
Xelloss: (giggle)  
  
NoV: Don't.  
  
Xelloss: But I-  
  
NoV: DON'T.  
  
Xelloss: :p ^.^  
  
Zelgadis: (hears whispering back-stage_ A-HEM!  
  
Minna: (look shocked)  
  
Zelgadis: Better.  
  
Phibby: Perfectionist.  
  
Zelgadis: Grrr..for men as old as..we? I am not old.  
  
NoV: (harsh whisper) Zel! You're as bad as Gourry!  
  
Gourry: (a bit loudly) Yeah, and I ate garlic for breakfast!  
  
Minna: ??  
  
NoV: Get on with it, plebian!  
  
Zelgadis: Hey! I happen to KNOW what that means.  
  
Bishounen: Donuts, anyone?  
  
NoV&Zel: YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!!  
  
Valgaav: (sniffle) I'll never get my big debut at this rate.  
  
Filia: You barbarians!! You made my poor, sweet Val-Val cry!!  
  
Xelloss: (snicker) Val-Val. I hafta write that down. (pulls out his 'Book of Demeaning Nicknames' and scribbles down 'Val-Val')  
  
NoV: Zelgadis, say the last four words of your opening line, please.  
  
Zelgadis: (grumbled) To keep the peace.  
  
Valgaav: (deep, dramatic voice) Of HONOURABLE reckoning are you BOTH!!! And pity 'TIS you liv'd at odds SO long!! But now, my lord, what say you to my suit?  
  
Zelgadis: (trying to recover from dramatic Val) Um..but saying o'er what I have said before: My child is yet a stranger in the world---  
  
Amelia: (whispers) Mr. Zelgadis!  
  
Zelgadis: What??  
  
Amelia: OUR child. OUR child is yet a stranger in the world.  
  
Zelgadis: I'd be compromising Shakespeare! I refuse to do it for your selfish giddy desires.  
  
Amelia: ;_; But, Mr. Zelgadis!!  
  
Zelgadis: No!  
  
Rezo: I shall---urgh..  
  
Kopii: And I'll...gah..  
  
(both fall unconscious)  
  
NoV: My play..  
  
Bishounen: Frozen yogurt? It's fre-esh!  
  
NoV: My play...  
  
Bishounen: I've got strawburry, vanilla, and chocolate!  
  
Phibby: Cho-co-late.  
  
NoV: My..play..  
  
Zelgadis: As I was saying, she hath not seen the change of fourteen years; let two more summers wither in their pride ere we may think her ripe to be a bride.  
  
Valgaav: (dramatic voice again) Younger than SHE are HAPPY mothers made!!  
  
Zelgadis: And too soon marr'd are those so early made. Come, go with me. Go, sirrah, trudge about through fair Verona; find those persons out whose names are written there, and to them say, my house and welcome on their pleasure stay.  
  
NoV: ...AGG!!  
  
Phibby: AGG!  
  
Gourry: AGG!!  
  
Xelloss: AGG!  
  
Lina: AGG?  
  
Amelia: (happily) AGG!  
  
NoV: Stop it! We NEED a servant! The entire structure of the play depends on this servant bungling things up!! (suddenly turns very sweet) My dear, Bishounen...  
  
Bishounen: No!! I've never been a servant in my entire life! And I don't plan on starting now, either!  
  
NoV: But, Bishy-wishy, I NEED you.  
  
Bishounen: I am a prince! I don't even LOOK like a servant!  
  
NoV: Well, Xelloss doesn't look like Romeo, but we'll get over it!  
  
Xelloss: Hey..  
  
(Zel and Val come back-stage)  
  
Zelgadis: They're going to riot out there if you don't do something quick.  
  
NoV: (fake-sniffle) Bishy, I'll CRY!!  
  
Bishounen: (eyes tear up) ..I'LL CRY TOO!!! WAAAAAAHH!!!  
  
NoV: Oh-kay, oh-kay, stop. Just go on out there and read the cue cards.  
  
Minna: CUE CARDS???  
  
NoV: We'll improvise. Bishy-Bish?  
  
Bishounen: Oh-kay. I'll do it. Not for you, not for me, but for the united ice skaters of the free world!  
  
NoV: All righty. GO.  
  
(Bish walks onto the stage)  
  
Bishounen: (looks around for cue cards, shrugs)  
  
NoV: (whacks Milgasia over the head, yelling at him for something)  
  
Milgasia: (teleports into the balcony with billboard-sized, crudely-written cue cards)  
  
Bishounen: Ah!  
  
(Xelloss and Gourry walk onto the stage)  
  
NoV: And remember, Goo-chan: brownies.  
  
Gourry: (in a daze) Brooooooooowneeeeeeses.  
  
Bishounen: Find them oar whose games are written spear!  
  
NoV: Oy. Why didn't I see this coming?  
  
Phibby: (leans over her shoulder, floating in the air) I dunno. Why didn't you?  
  
NoV: (flicks Phibby)  
  
Phibby: Ow.  
  
Bishounen: It is written that the flu-maker should pedal with his barn, and the sailor with his cast, the scissors with his stencil, and the fainter with his pets; but I am sent to sign those persons, whose fames are here writ-writ??  
  
NoV: Yes. That's right.  
  
Bishounen: Oh-kay. -and can ever find what sames the written person hath her write. I must to the learn-ed. In food time.  
  
Gourry: (chants brownies over and over) Tut! Man, one fire burns out another's burning. Our pain is lesssen'd by another's anguish; turn giddy, and be holp by backward turning, one desperate grief curse with another's languish: take thou some new infection to thy eye-(giggle) Eyeball.  
  
Lina: Gourry's spurts of intelligence never last very long.  
  
Amelia: (shakes her head sadly)  
  
Gourry: And some poison that kills old people.  
  
Xelloss: Your plantain leaf is excellent for that.  
  
Gourry: What, why?  
  
Xelloss: For your broken shin.  
  
Gourry: My shin? My shin isn't broken.  
  
Xelloss: Not mad, but bound more than a madman is; shut up in prison, kept without my food, whipp'd and tormented, and-  
  
Amelia: Oh, poor Mr. Xelloss.  
  
Zelas: Don't sweat it. It's quite enjoyable.  
  
Amelia: (nervous laugh)  
  
Xelloss: Good den, good fellow.  
  
Bishounen: ..(whistling) Oh! Is it my turn? Um..lessee...God gi' good den...what's that mean?  
  
NoV: Don't worry about what it means, just say it!!  
  
Bishounen: Kay. I fray, sir, can you seed?  
  
Xelloss: Ay, mine own fortune is my misery.  
  
Bishounen: Perhaps you have learn-ed it without hook: but, I pray, fan you deed any thing you wee?  
  
Xelloss: (grumble) You obviously can't. Ay, if I know the letters and the language.  
  
Bishounen: Ye pay honestly; best you berry!  
  
Xelloss: Stay, fellow, I can read. "Signor Martino and his wife-  
  
Martina: That's me!! (prepares to run onto the stage)  
  
Phibby: (grabs Martina's cloak)  
  
Martina: (Turns around to face Phibby) Phi-Phibbrizzo?  
  
Phibby: Mary!!  
  
Martina: AAAAAHHH!!!  
  
NoV: Quiet!  
  
Xelloss: A-hem. "-and daughters; County Anselme and his beauteous sisters; the lady widow of Vitruvio; Singior Placentio, and his lovely nieces Mercutio and his brother Valentine; mine uncle Capulet, his wife and daughters, my fair niece Rosaline; Livia; Signior Valentio and his cousin Tybalt; Lucio and the lively Helena." That was a mouthful. A fair assembly: wither should they come?  
  
Bishounen: Up.  
  
Xelloss: Whiter?  
  
Bishounen: To supper; to our spouse.  
  
Xelloss: Whose spouse---err, house?  
  
Bishounen: My master's.  
  
Xelloss: Indeed, I should have asked you that before.  
  
Bishounen: Now I'll tell you without basking. My master is the eight rich Capulet; and if you sot be of the house of Montagues, I stay, come and brush a sup of wine. Rest you fairy! (goes back-stage)  
  
Gourry: They're gonna have food!  
  
Xelloss: When the devour religion of mine eye maintains such falsehood, then turn tears to fires! And these, who often drown'd could never die, transparent heretics, be burnt for liars! One fairer than my love! The all- seeing sun ne'er saw her match since first the world begun  
  
Gourry: You realize that she's really ugly, doncha?  
  
Xelloss: (Sigh) I'll go along, no such sight to be shown, but to rejoice in splendour of mine own.  
  
(Gourry and Xelloss go back-stage, after bowing)  
  
Gourry: (giddily) Brownie party??  
  
NoV: Oh-kay. You deserve it, I guess. ^;^  
  
Gourry: Yay! Brow-nee! Brow-nee! Brow-nee! Brow-nee!  
  
Minna: (walks away chanting)  
  
NoV: Catch us next time! 


	5. Act 1 Scene 3

Romeo and Juliet  
  
**  
  
(At the brownie party)  
  
NoV: Boy, Zelgadis! You can make terrific brownies!  
  
Zelgadis: Thank-you. Brownies are..my specialty. Besides coffee.  
  
Gourry: (dives into a platter of brownies) Brownie bonsai!!!  
  
Xelloss: (walks into the room mangled and ruffled up)  
  
NoV: HI-ya, Xelloss! What's happenin?..where's your staff?  
  
Xelloss: Um.. (thinks) An adorable little girl stole it from me.  
  
Zelgadis: Did the 'adorable little girl' beat you up too?  
  
Xelloss: Hmm? Oh, no. These wounds were self-inflicted.  
  
Minna: -.-  
  
Bishounen: Can we get back to the play now?  
  
NoV: Oh, come on, Bishy! Join the party! Eat a brownie or two hundred!  
  
Bishounen: Bleck. I detest chocolate.  
  
NoV: Well, so do I, but I'm eating it anyway.  
  
Bishounen: All right, I'm the director and I'm taking charge! Everybody back to the stage. NOW!!  
  
Minna: (continue talking and eating)  
  
Bishounen: Urgh. I don't get any respect.  
  
NoV: It's because we know you love us. And the fact that you're really just a wimpy girl in the guise of a hot guy.  
  
Bishounen: (whines) I am not!!!!  
  
NoV: Oh-kay, let's start the play for real. Everybody, let's go.  
  
Minna: (shrug and go to the stage)  
  
Bishounen: I hate you.  
  
NoV: You hate me?? (fake cries)  
  
Bishounen: No, no!! I don't! Don't cry!! I'm sorry!!  
  
NoV: Gotcha! (runs to the stage)  
  
Bishounen: Why me? (slugs toward the stage)  
  
(back-stage)  
  
NoV: Okie-dokie, I need Lady Capulet, Amelia, and the nurse, Filia. Go on! Time to make yourselves stars!  
  
Amelia: I'll be back, my love! (blows a kiss to Zelgadis, who looks queasy)  
  
Filia: (petting Valgaav) Val, honey, if that mean old namagomi or anybody else bothers you, all you have to do is ring this bell. Oh-kay? (hands Valgaav a little golden bell)  
  
Val: (buries head in hands)  
  
(Filia and Amelia go to the stage)  
  
Rezo: (regained strength) Perish, you copy!! (whacks Kopii with his staff)  
  
Kopii: Die!! (slams Rezo over the head)  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Amelia: Nurse, where's my daughter? Call her forth to me.  
  
Filia: Now, by my maidenhead, at twelve year old, I bade her come. What, lamb! What, lady-bird! God forbid! Where's the girl? What, Juliet?  
  
(back-stage)  
  
NoV: Oh-kay, Lina-chan! You're on!  
  
Lina: Yeah. (smirk) Juliet, I am!!  
  
Xelloss: Good-bye, my love.  
  
Lina: (growls, then goes on-stage) How now! Who calls?  
  
Filia: Your mother.  
  
Lina: Madam, I am here. What is your will.  
  
Amelia: This is the matter. Nurse, give leave awhile. We must talk in secret.  
  
Filia: (begins to leave)  
  
Amelia: Wait! Nurse, come back again; I have remember'd me, thou's hear our counsel. Thou know'st my daughter's of a pretty age.  
  
(back-stage)  
  
Gourry: (refereeing the fight between Kopii and Rezo) And, Rezo pulls Kopii into a head-lock. But, Kopii pokes Rezo in the belly. And Rezo trips Kopii. And Kopii smacks Rezo. And there's neck-at-neck!  
  
Phibby: I've got fifty bucks on Rezo!  
  
Martina: You're on, your filthy monster.  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Filia: Faith, I can tell her age unto an hour.  
  
Amelia: She's not fourteen.  
  
Filia: I'll lay fourteen of my teeth-and yet to my teen be it spoken I have but four-she is not fourteen. How long is it now to Lammas-tide?  
  
Amelia: A fortnight and odd days.  
  
Filia: Even or odd, of all days in the year, come Lammas-eve at night shall she be fourteen. Susan and she-God rest all Christian souls!-were of an age. Well, Susan is with God; she was too good for me. I warrant, an should I live a thousand years, I never shall forget it: "Wilt thou not, Jule?" quoth he; and pretty fool, it stinted and said "Ay."  
  
(back-stage)  
  
Gourry: (Still refereeing) Round one is over! Kopii is the winner in this first match of the most intense wrestling I've seen in all my years!! (dings the end round bell)  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Filia: (ears perk at the bell sound) Why that slime. XELLOSS!!!! (bounds back-stage) Xelloss, where are you??  
  
Xelloss: Right here, my dear, Fi-chan!  
  
Filia: NAMAGOMI!!! (whacks him with her mace) What have you done to my poor, sweet Valterria???  
  
Xelloss: Hehehehehehhh... (falls down)  
  
Filia: That's what you get when you mess with my Val-Val.  
  
Val: Filia-momma, you're starting to scare me.  
  
Filia: Val-Val!! (glomp) You've been traumatized!!  
  
Val: (chokes)  
  
Phibby: I've got fifty on Filia.  
  
Martina: You're on.  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Amelia: (nervously) Um..gee..where hath thou gonest to nurse?  
  
Lina: Oy..  
  
NoV: (hiss) Filia! You're ruining the play!!  
  
Filia: (obliviously) What play?  
  
NoV: -.-0 GO get on the stage.  
  
Filia: (shrugs) I'll be back very, very soon, Val-Val.  
  
Valgaav: (crushed) See ya soon..  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Filia: I'm back, my beautiful audience!!  
  
Amelia: Um..enough of this; I pray thee, hold thy peace.  
  
Filia: Yes, madam. Yet I cannot choose but laugh, to think it should leave crying, and say "Ay." And yet, I warrant, it had upon its brow a bump as big as a young cockerel's stone; a parlous knock; and it cried bitterly: "Yea," quoth my husband, "fall'st upon thy face? Thou wilt fall backward when thou com'st to age; wilt thou not, Jule?" it stinted and said "Ay."  
  
Lina: And stint thou too, I pray thee, nurse, say I.  
  
(back-stage)  
  
Gaav: Psst! Zelgadis?  
  
Zelgadis: (hears the whispering) Hmm?  
  
Gaav: Come'ere. I got something to say.  
  
Zelgadis: (steps into the shadows) What?  
  
Gaav: (digs in one of his pockets) You wanna..mint?  
  
Zelgadis: -.-0 You hide in the shadows, whisper, and act mysterious, and all you want is to give me a mint?  
  
Gaav: You never know: it could be a TAINTED mint. ^_^  
  
Zelgadis: Don't.  
  
Gaav: Don't what? ^_^  
  
Zelgadis: Don't make that face. It's-it's too sickening.  
  
Zelas: Xelloss, fetch my lighter.  
  
NoV: No smoking!!  
  
Zelas: Did I say I was going to smoke? No. I said 'Xelloss, fetch my-'  
  
Xelloss: Here's your lighter, my dear, sweet Zelas-mommy!  
  
Zelas: Thank-you, dear. (lights her cigarette)  
  
NoV: Hey! Bad Zelas! Bishounen! Get her!  
  
Bishounen: No way!  
  
NoV: Aw, are you scared?  
  
Bishounen: Scared? Of what?  
  
NoV: The fact that she could atomically whoop your tail?  
  
Bishounen: (rubs his tail) No. It's wrong and against the law to harm a lady.  
  
Zelas: (laughs) A lady, he says! Ever considering becoming a monster, my boy?  
  
Xelloss: No! He can't be a monster! You can't have two children! I'll be starved for affection!!  
  
Zelas: Oh, don't be ridiculous. I would make him an underling. He could iron your shirts.  
  
Xelloss: Good idea. (wraps an arm around Bishounen) Bish, buddy, pal, bro! What-say we have a little talk?  
  
Bishounen: Oh-kay?  
  
NoV: No, Xelloss. Bishounen's mine. You can't have him.  
  
Bishounen: I'm not anyone's!! I'm Ah Kum's.  
  
NoV: -.- Ah Kum isn't anyone?  
  
Bishounen: Nope. She's special.  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Filia: Peace, I have done. God mark thee to his grace! Thou were't the prettiest babe I e'er nursed:  
  
Xelloss: (listening to Filia) Do they know something we don't?  
  
NoV: Xelloss.  
  
Filia: An I might live to see thee married once, I have my wish.  
  
Amelia: Marry, that "marry" is the very theme I came to talk of. Tell me, daughter Juliet, how stands your disposition to be married?  
  
Lina: It is an honour that I dream not of.  
  
Filia: An honour! Were not I thine only nurse, I would say thou hadst suck'd wisdom from thy teat.  
  
Phibby: (queasy look) I don't wanna be in this play anymore. It's too gross.  
  
NoV: Grow up. That goes for all the mazoku in this room.  
  
Xel&Gaav: (lose their queasy look) Kay.  
  
Amelia: Well, think of marriage now; younger than you, here in Verona, ladies of esteem, are made already mothers: by my count, I was your mother much upon these years that you are now a maid. Thus then in brief, the valiant Paris seeks you for his love.  
  
Filia: A man, young lady! A man who adorable and sweet and PERFECT and handsome and well-raised and charming and graceful and-  
  
(back-stage)  
  
Bishounen: Um, I haven't exactly read the play or anything, but I don't think this is in it.  
  
NoV: And, the man's a genius.  
  
Xelloss: (shakes Bishounen's hand) Congratulations.  
  
Valgaav: My life is horribly rank trash.  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Filia: --strong and fierce bold and courageous man!!  
  
Lina: (sweatdrop)  
  
Amelia: Verona's summer hath not such a flower.  
  
Filia: Nay, he's a flower; in faith, a very flower.  
  
Amelia: What say you? Can you love the gentleman? By having him making yourself no less.  
  
Filia: No less! Na, bigger; women grow by men.  
  
Amelia: Speak briefly, can you like of Paris' love?  
  
Lina: I'll look to like, if looking liking move; but to more deep will I endart mine eye than your consent gives strength to make it fly.  
  
(back-stage)  
  
NoV: We need another servant. Bishounen.  
  
Bishounen: Oh, fine. Ruin my career and my life. Dress me in rags while you're at it, why don't you??  
  
NoV: Actually, that would be a very good-  
  
Bishounen: The stage, she calls me!! (runs on-stage) Madam, the vests are some, supper served pup, you called, my young baby asked poor, the nurse cursed in the panties, and everything in affinity. I must hen to bait; I beseech you, bottle plate.  
  
Amelia: (speechless)  
  
Filia: Um..go, girl-  
  
Xelloss: You go girl!  
  
Filia: (shoots an evil look at the curtain) Seek happy nights to happy days.  
  
Xelloss: Sunday, Monday, happy days, Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days-  
  
NoV: Hopefully we'll be more together for the next scene. Join us. 


	6. Act 1 Scene 4

Romeo and Juliet  
  
  
  
**  
  
NoV: Welcome back to the hall o' freaks.  
  
Xelloss: So glad you could join us.  
  
Bishounen: Kick back, relax, and read. (lays in a recliner with a tropical drink)  
  
Zelgadis: And crank up the volume.  
  
Amelia: Mr. Zelgadis! Don't say such rude things! It's---it's inJust!!  
  
Zelgadis: Whatever you say, Amelia.  
  
Amelia: (glomp)  
  
NoV: Let's get on with this torturous play. I need Romeo, Mercutio, and Benvolio.  
  
Phibby: Yay! Finally a scene I'm in!  
  
(Phibby, Xelloss, and Gourry go on-stage)  
  
Xelloss: (bows) Thank-you, thank-you, you're a wonderful audience!  
  
Phibby: Show-off.  
  
Xelloss: What! shall this speech be spoke for our excuse, or shall we go on without apology?  
  
Gourry: No.  
  
Xelloss: Give me a torch: I am not for this ambling; being but heavy, I will bear the light.  
  
Phibby: Fine. You can stay home. We don't care.  
  
(back-stage)  
  
NoV: What is he doing? He said the opposite of what he was supposed to.  
  
Lina: Go figure. He's a mazoku lord. He's the master of Hell. Forget about it. I'm surprised Xelloss isn't doing something like this.  
  
NoV: Oy.  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Xelloss: Not I, believe me; you have dancing shoes with nimble shoes; I have a soul of lead so stakes me to the ground I cannot move.  
  
Phibby: You're a fighter and a quack. I hope you rot.  
  
Xelloss: I am too sore enpierced with his shaft to soar with his light feathers; and so bound I cannot pitch above dull woe; under love's heavy burden do I sink.  
  
Phibby: Go ahead and sink into a sand trap for all I care.  
  
Xelloss: Is love a tender thing? It is too rough, too rude, too boisterous; and it pricks like thorn.  
  
(back-stage)  
  
Milgasia: I'm gonna barbecue. It's Labor Day, after all.  
  
NoV: I want barbecued fish!  
  
Bishounen: And I want barbecued halibut!  
  
NoV: Halibut is fish.  
  
Bishounen: Yes, but I thought I should be more specific, as I am allergic to flounder.  
  
NoV: Whatever.  
  
Kopii: Can't..move..  
  
Rezo: Can't..fight..must..try...urgh..  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Phibby: I'm going to the party, and you can't go. Nyah. :p  
  
Gourry: Come on, let's go.  
  
Xelloss: A torch for me; let wantons, light of heart, tickle the senseless rushes with their heels, for I am proverb'd with a grandsire phrase; I'll be a candle-holder and look on. The game was ne'er so fair, and I am done.  
  
Phibby: Stay here. You can't come. I don't like you.  
  
Xelloss: Nay, that's not so.  
  
Phibby: We're wasting the dark out here.  
  
Xelloss: And we mean well in going to this mask; but 'tis no wit to go.  
  
Phibby: Shut up.  
  
Xelloss: I dream'd a dream to-night.  
  
Phibby: I don't care.  
  
Xelloss: Well, what was yours?  
  
Phibby: I didn't dream.  
  
Xelloss: In bed asleep, while they do dream things true.  
  
Phibby: Would you stop talking?  
  
Xelloss: Queen Mab! What's she?  
  
Phibby: A whore.  
  
Xelloss: Peace, peace! Mercutio, peace! Thou talk'st of nothing.  
  
Phibby: You're the one who won't shut up.  
  
Gourry: It's time to eat! Let's go!!  
  
Xelloss: I fear too early; for my mind misgives some consequence yet hanging in the stars shall bitterly begin his fearful date with this night's revels, and expire the term of a despised life clos'd in my breast (snicker) by some vile forfeit of untimely death. But he, that hath the steerage of my course, direct my sail! On, lusty gentlemen.  
  
Gourry: Hit a drum.  
  
(Gourry, Xelloss, and Phibby leave the stage)  
  
NoV: That could have been worse, but I can't help but ask: Phibby, are you specifically TRYING to ruin my play?  
  
Phibby: Well, of course!!  
  
NoV: Of course. Well, catcha next time! 


	7. Act 1 Scene 5

Romeo and Juliet  
  
**  
  
NoV: Welcome back.  
  
Phibby: By that she means stop reading this fic.  
  
NoV: Oh, be quiet, you sloth.  
  
Phibby: Sloth? Interesting wording.  
  
NoV: I had to come up with it on short notice! It's why they call it a comeback!!  
  
Valgaav: Who is 'they,' anyway? Does anybody know?  
  
Zelgadis: Really. It's so freaky. We always talk about them, but do we actually know who they are?  
  
Valgaav: It's a mystery.  
  
NoV: (rolls eyes) Well, it's finally happened, you guys!!  
  
Xelloss: (gasp) You've hit puberty??  
  
NoV: Very funny. No, I got a great fanart for Romeo and Juliet!! Anybody who wants it need but ask and I'll send it, so long as I have access to your e-mail.  
  
Amelia: It's a beautiful picture!!  
  
NoV: My best buddy, Kimi-san drew it for me. ^_^  
  
Lina: I don't particularly like it.  
  
Amelia: Why not, Miss Lina?  
  
Lina: It's got me there, which is good, but it's got Xelloss on it too, and I don't like that.  
  
Xelloss: Oh, you KNOW you love me! ^.^  
  
Lina: Bleck. Namagomi.  
  
Filia: Is he bothering you, Lina? If he is-(pulls out mace)  
  
Lina: I can fight my own fights, thank-you.  
  
Xelloss: Hee. ^.^  
  
Filia: I'll get you next time, namagomi.  
  
Xelloss: I anticipate it, Fi-chan!  
  
Filia: Don't you dare call me that, you blasted mazoku!!!  
  
NoV: Let's get started. Zelgadis, Lina, I need the two of you out there now.  
  
Zelgadis: Oh-kay.  
  
Lina: Let's go.  
  
(Lina and Zel go on-stage)  
  
Zelgadis: Welcome, gentlemen! How long is't now since last yourself and I were in a mask?  
  
(back-stage)  
  
NoV: Yai!!! Why didn't I get enough people for this thing??  
  
Xelloss: Because you're an idiot.  
  
NoV: Thank-you. Bishounen, I-  
  
Bishounen: FORget it.  
  
NoV: But, Bishounen!  
  
Bishounen: Why don't YOU go out there and be whatever you need?  
  
NoV: Because, I-hey! That's not a bad idea! Glad I thought of it!! (tosses on some boyish clothing) See ya later! I'm a genius and a star!! (slides on- stage) By'r Lady, thirty years!  
  
Zelgadis: (gapes) ..Nova-chan?  
  
NoV: (Winks)  
  
Zelgadis: (Shakes his head) What, man! 'tis not so much, 'tis not so much.  
  
NoV: 'Tis more, 'tis more; his son is elder, sir. His son is thirty.  
  
Zelgadis: Will you tell me that? His son was but a ward two years ago.  
  
(back-stage)  
  
Xelloss: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, but I have to go make myself known. (slips on-stage) What lady is that which doth enrich the hand of yonder knight?  
  
NoV: I know not, sir.  
  
Xelloss: O! she doth teach the torches to burn bright. It seems she hangs upon the cheek of night like a rich jewel in an Ethiop's ear; beauty too rich for use, for earth too dear! So shows a snowy dove trooping with crows, as yonder lady o'er her fellow shows.  
  
NoV: (hisses) Gaav! Get your butt out here!  
  
(back-stage)  
  
Gaav: I'm needed. How cute. (slowly strides on-stage) This, by his voice, should be a Montague. Fetch me my rapier, boy..is a rapier what I think it is?  
  
NoV: (sigh) No.  
  
Gaav: Oh-kay. What! dares the slave come hither, cover'd with an antick face, to fleer and scorn at our solemnity? Now, by the stock and honour of my kin, to strike him dead I hold it not a sin. As a matter of fact..  
  
Xelloss: (nervous look)  
  
NoV: Gaav, bad! Down boy. You do this right, (grabs his collar) or you'll get no Gaav-treats!  
  
Gaav: (gulps) Oh-kay.  
  
Zelgadis: Continuing, why, how now, kinsman! Wherefore storm you so?  
  
Gaav: Uncle, this is a Montague, our foe; a villain that is hither to come in spite, to scorn at our solemnity this night.  
  
Zelgadis: Young Romeo, is it?  
  
Gaav: 'Tis he, that villain Romeo.  
  
Xelloss: Me? A villain? What a dreadful assumption!  
  
Zelgadis: Content thee, gentle coz, let him alone: he bears him like a portly gentleman; and, to say truth, Verona brags of him to be a virtuous and well-govern'd youth. I would not for the wealth of all this town here in my house do him disparagement; therefore be patient, take no note of him: it is my will; the which if thou respect, show a fair presence and put off these frowns, an ill-beseeming semblance for a feast. (sigh) That was a mouthful.  
  
Gaav: In fits, when such a villain is a guest: I'll not endure him. (glares at Xelloss, and mouths 'I hate you')  
  
Xelloss: (mouths 'I get to kill you')  
  
Zelgadis: He shall be endur'd: what! goodman boy; I say, he shall, go to; am I the master here, or you? Go to. You'll not endure him! God shall mend my soul! You'll make a mutiny among my guests! You will set cock-a-hoop!  
  
Minna: Cock-a-hoop??  
  
Zelgadis: It's in the script, oh-kay.  
  
Xelloss: SURE it is.  
  
Zelgadis: You'll be the man!  
  
Xelloss: You da man!  
  
Gaav: Why, uncle, 'tis a shame.  
  
Zelgadis: Go to, go to; you are a saucy boy-  
  
Xelloss: Ooh, Gaav, I think Zel likes you.  
  
Zelgadis: Would you shut up?? -is't so indeed?-this trick may chance to scathe you. -I know what: you must contrary me! marry, 'tis time. Well said, my hearts! You are a princox; go: be quiet, or-more light, more light!-for shame! I'll make you quiet.  
  
Xelloss: OOH! Gaav's in trouble, Gaav's in trouble!  
  
Gaav: I am very, very close to ripping your head out of its socket.  
  
Xelloss: I've always wanted to do that.  
  
Zelgadis: What! cheerly, my hearts!  
  
Gaav: Patience perforce with wilful choler meeting makes my flesh tremble in their different greeting. I will withdraw; but this intrusion shall now seeming sweet convert to bitter gall.  
  
Xelloss: (clapping) That was wonderful, Gaav-chan! Beautiful performance!  
  
Gaav: Oh-kay, now I'm ready to figure out just how easy it is to rip off your head!!  
  
NoV: Oh-kay, Zel, Gaav, let's go back-stage, time for the Pilgrim's Kiss scene. (pushes them behind the curtain) Lina, you're on.  
  
Lina: Hang on. Let me hyperventilate. Oh-kay, I'm ready. (stomps on-stage)  
  
Xelloss: (grabs Lina's hand) If I profane with my unworthiest hand this holy shrine, the gentle sin is this; my lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.  
  
Lina: Aaggg..good pilgrim, (snatches her hand back) you do wrong your hand too much, which mannerly devotion shows in this; for saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch, and palm to palm is holy palmer's kiss.  
  
Xelloss: Then kiss me, Juliet! Kiss me passionately and rid me of my pain!! (jumps into Lina's arms)  
  
Lina: (topples over) Itai..why you!! Fireball!!  
  
Xelloss: (scorched) Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?  
  
Lina: Better. Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.  
  
Xelloss: O! then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do..that is a very dirty line.  
  
NoV: Xelloss!!  
  
Xelloss: They pray. (grumble) There goes my chance at 'screwing' the play. Get it?  
  
Minna: Xelloss!!  
  
Xelloss: Oh-kay, oh-kay, chill out. Grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.  
  
Lina: Saints do not move, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.  
  
Xelloss: Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take. Thus from my lips, by thine, my sin is purg'd. (moves closer)  
  
Lina: (mouths 'fake it or die')  
  
Xelloss: (gets close enough to kiss, then quickly pushes away from her) Ew! Girl cooties!  
  
Minna: -.-0  
  
Lina: (sighs in relief) Then have my lips that sin that they have tool.  
  
Xelloss: Sin from my lips? O trespass sweetly urg'd! Give me my sin again! (kisses Lina)  
  
Lina: ACCK!!! XELLOSS GERMS!! DISINFECT ME DISINFECT ME!!  
  
Filia: I'm coming, Lina!! (pours a bucket of disinfectant on her)  
  
Lina: (drenched) ..(flatly) Thank-you, Filia.  
  
Filia: Anytime. (glares at Xelloss) Baka.  
  
Xelloss: (fake crying) Nobody loves me!!  
  
NoV: Can we get on with this??  
  
Lina: You kiss by the book.  
  
Filia: Madam, your mother craves a word with you.  
  
Xelloss: What is her mother? (adds dryly) A penguin?  
  
Filia: Marry, bachelor, her mother is the lady of the house, and a good lady, and a wise, and virtuous-  
  
(back-stage)  
  
Amelia: (Swells with pride) I TOLD YOU, ZELAS!! CAPULET QUEEN IS THE BEST!!  
  
Zelas: But I'm the strongest.  
  
Amelia: But I'm the smartest.  
  
Zelas: But I'm the prettiest.  
  
Amelia: But I'm the cutest.  
  
Zelas: But I'm the oldest.  
  
Amelia: But I have darker hair.  
  
Zelas: But I have better legs.  
  
Amelia: But I have better breasts.  
  
Zelgadis (to Valgaav) Help me.  
  
Zelas: Oh, I wouldn't say that, if I were you. What are you, a size A-? (laughs)  
  
Amelia: Very funny. Just because mine aren't exposed doesn't mean they're smaller.  
  
Phibby: I shouldn't be hearing this. I'm just a cute, lil kid.  
  
Zelas: Well, yours appear bigger because YOU'RE wearing a push-up bra!!  
  
Amelia: (gasps) I am not!!  
  
Zelas: I can see straight through that disgusting little shirt of yours! Push-up.  
  
Amelia: (cries) Mr. Zelgadis, it's not true!!  
  
Zelgadis: (tries to bury himself in a closet)  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Filia: I nurs'd her daughter, that you talk'd withal; I tell you he that can lay hold of her shall have the chinks.  
  
Xelloss: Hey, is chinks a disease? Because if it is, I don't know about us dating anymore.  
  
Lina: Oh, be quiet, moron.  
  
Xelloss: Is she a Capulet? O dear account! My life is in my foe's debt.  
  
NoV: Go Gourry.  
  
Gourry: Hi!  
  
Xelloss: Ay, so I fear; the more is my unrest.  
  
NoV: Zelgadis.  
  
Zelgadis: (walks on-stage) Nay, gentlemen, prepare not to be gone.  
  
(everyone except Lina and Filia leaves)  
  
Lina: Come hither, nurse. What is yond gentleman?  
  
Filia: The son and heir of old Tiberio.  
  
Lina: What's he that now is going out of door?  
  
Filia: Marry; that, I think, be young Pertruchio.  
  
Lina: What's he, that follows there that would not dance?  
  
Filia: I know not.  
  
Lina: Go, ask his name. -If he be married, my grave is like to be my wedding-bed.  
  
Filia: His name is Romeo, and a Montague; the only son of your great enemy.  
  
Lina: My only love sprung from my only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late! Prodigious birth of love it is to me, that I must love a loathed enemy.  
  
Filia: What's this, what's this?  
  
Lina: A rime I learn'd even now of one I danc'd withal.  
  
Filia: Anon, anon! Come, let's away; the strangers are all gone.  
  
(both go back-stage)  
  
NoV: (bursting with joy) Did you guys catch all of that? Such symbolism! Such foreshadowing! Such imagery! It's beautiful.  
  
Xelloss: You have spent WAY too much time in English class.  
  
NoV: Oh, whatever. Anyway, tell me if you want the fanart piccie, and join us for the next exiting installment of Romeo and Juliet!! 


	8. Act 2 Scene 1

Romeo and Juliet  
  
**  
  
NoV: Guess what!  
  
Xelloss: Chicken butt.  
  
NoV: No. -.- I drew my very OWN fanart for this ficcie!!  
  
Xelloss: And it looks like crap.  
  
NoV: ;_; Can I help it if I'm not as good as Kimi-san??  
  
Xelloss: If Kimi-san were here, I'd make fun of hers. Does THAT make you happy?  
  
NoV: (sniffle) No.  
  
Xelloss: (Claps his hands) Oh-kay, everybody on the set! Now!  
  
Sylphiel: Gourry-dear, I'm on. I have to do the Chorus. See you soon!  
  
Gourry: Um..oh-kay!  
  
Sylphiel: (walks out on stage) Now old desire doth in his death-bed lie, and you affection gapes to be his heir; that fair which love groan'd for and would die, with tender Juliet match'd, is now not fair. Now Romeo is belov'd and loves again, alike bewitched by the charm of looks, but to his foe, he may not have access to breathe such vows as lovers us'd to swear; and she as much in love, her means much less to meet her new-beloved any where: but passion lends them power, time means, to meet, tempering extremity with extreme sweet. (bows) Thank-you! (goes back-stage)  
  
NoV: Romeo. Go out there.  
  
Xelloss: Goodbye, little people! I come back a star! (goes on-stage) Can I go forward when my heart is here? Turn back, dull earth, and find thy centre out.  
  
(back-stage)  
  
NoV: (Feeling better) Benvolio, Mercutio?  
  
Phibby: Yay! (skips on-stage)  
  
NoV: (smiles after him) Benvolio? Benvolio!! Gourry!!  
  
Gourry: Huh?  
  
NoV: Gourry. You're Benvolio.  
  
Gourry: No, just hungry.  
  
NoV: -.-0 Stage.  
  
Gourry: Pie!  
  
NoV: Get out there, you dimwit!!  
  
Gourry: (sadly) Oh-kay.. (trods on-stage) Hi Romeo.  
  
Phibby: He is wise; and, on my life, hath strol'n him home to bed.  
  
Gourry: He ran away.  
  
Phibby: Nay! I'll conjure too. Romeo! Humours! Madman! Passion! Lover! Baby. That in thy likeness thou appear to us.  
  
Gourry: He's mad.  
  
Phibby: He's happy!  
  
(back-stage)  
  
NoV: They're DOING it again.  
  
Amelia: Ew..  
  
Lina: Amelia!!!  
  
Amelia: Gomen nasai..  
  
NoV: Bishounen, get my pina colada mix.  
  
Bishounen: Oh-kay!  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Gourry: He's hiding.  
  
Phibby: No, he's not!  
  
Gourry: Let's go home.  
  
(both exit the stage)  
  
NoV: (blinks in the process of getting her drink) That was..quick?  
  
Martina: The balcony scene comes next!! It's romantic..  
  
Lina: Bleck.  
  
NoV: Join us next time! 


	9. Act 2 Scene 2

Romeo and Juliet  
  
  
  
**  
  
NoV: ^.^ Hello peoples!  
  
Xelloss: Greeting earthlings!  
  
NoV: Welcome to another installment of Romeo an Juliet! We're just sitting around, basically doing nothing whatsoever, getting ready to do the balcony scene!  
  
Lina: Which fully and completely disgusts me.  
  
NoV: Well, I can't very well have Filia doing it, can I?  
  
Xelloss: Yes, you can!  
  
Filia: AAGG!! (runs into the wall)  
  
Minna: -.-0  
  
Xelloss: ..no, you can't.  
  
NoV: Anyways, Bishounen, tell the audience what you're doing.  
  
Bishounen: Do I hafta?  
  
NoV: Yes.  
  
Bishounen: (sigh) I'm doing the hula for their entertainment.  
  
NoV: And it's lovely entertainment, too.  
  
Bishounen: I don't like swinging my hips in public!  
  
NoV: But we like to watch it. And isn't our satisfaction more important than yours?  
  
Bishounen: (stops dancing abruptly) I am a prince! And I am indignant!  
  
NoV: (huffs) Fine. It's time to start the scene, anyway. Romeo? Juliet? I need you out there. Lina, wait until Xelloss' first line, and then "appear" in the window.  
  
Lina: (sighs) Oh-kay.  
  
Xelloss: (struts on-stage) He jests at scars, that never felt a wound.  
  
Lina: (walks up to the balcony; poses)  
  
Xelloss: But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Lina Inverse is the sun!  
  
(back-stage)  
  
NoV: WHAT!! That's not in the script!! (pokes Bishounen) What is he doing??  
  
Bishounen: Maybe it slipped?  
  
NoV: You cannot 'slip' in Shakespeare!!!  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Lina: o.o  
  
Xelloss: Arise, fair Lina, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief, that thou her maid art far more fair than she: be not her maid, since she is envious; her vestal livery is but sick and green, and none but fools do wear it; cast it off. It is my lady; o! it is my life: O! that she knew she were.  
  
Lina: (slumps against the railing)  
  
Xelloss: She speaks, yet she says nothing: what of that? Her eye discourses; I will answer it. I am too bold, 'tis not to me she speaks: two of the fairest stars in all the heaven having some business do entreat her eye to twinkle in their spheres till they return. What if her eyes were there, they in her head?  
  
Lina: (the railing suddenly falls, as does she) AAAHH!!! (plop)  
  
Xelloss: (sweatdrops as Lina staggers to her feet) Um..the lady falls.  
  
Lina: (darkly mutters) Yes, and the idiotic man in the ridiculous outfit dies. (begins to climb back up to the balcony)  
  
Xelloss: See! How she leans her cheek upon her hand: O! that I were a glove upon that hand..eww, sweaty Lina-palms.  
  
Lina: (turns around to glare at him in mid-climb, mouths "you're dead")  
  
Xelloss: (mouths "no I'm not") ..That I might touch that cheek. Oooh. How I would love to touch your cheeks.  
  
Lina: Hentai.  
  
Xelloss: Psst. 'Ay me.'  
  
Lina: (yells really loud) I KNOW MY LINES, YOU BAKA!!!  
  
Audience: (stares and gawks)  
  
Lina: (light blush) Um..ay me!  
  
Xelloss: She speaks..how is 'ay me' speaking? I'd like to know.  
  
(back-stage)  
  
NoV: My play..is very sad.  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Xelloss: O! speak again, bright angel; for thou art as glorious to this night, being o'er my head, as is a winged messenger of hell---  
  
Lina: XELLOSS!! It's heaven!!!  
  
Xelloss: Same difference.  
  
Lina: (growls)  
  
Xelloss: Unto the white-upturned wondering eyes of mortals, that fall back to gaze on him when he bestrides the lazy-pacing clouds, and sails upon the bosom of the air..Air has a bosom?  
  
Minna: Xelloss!!  
  
Lina: O Romeo, Romeo! (mutters) How I wish to kill thee. Wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny they father, and refuse thy name; or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet.  
  
Xelloss: Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?  
  
Lina: 'Tis but thy name that is my enemy; thou art thyself though, not a Montague. What's Montague? It is nor hand, nor foot, nor arm nor face, nor any other part belonging to a man.  
  
Xelloss: Oh my badness! Juliet is a hentai!! Run away!!!!  
  
Lina: (scowls) O! be some other name: what's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet; so Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd, retain that dear perfection which he owes without that title.  
  
Xelloss: Lina-chan! You think I'm...perfect?? Oh, I could just burst with tears!!  
  
Lina: (tries to keep going without paying Xelloss any attention) Romeo, doff thy name; and for that name, which is no part of thee, take all myself.  
  
(back-stage)  
  
Kopii: (cough, sputter)  
  
Rezo: (sputter, cough)  
  
Phibby: Do I have another part soon? Huh?  
  
NoV: (angry look) Not if you do that say everything backwards thing again.  
  
Phibby: Who me?  
  
NoV: Grr..  
  
Gourry: (eating grapes that Sylphiel is dangling above him) Keep 'em comin!  
  
Sylphiel: (gleeful) Yes, of course, Gourry-dear!  
  
Gaav: You know I really hate you?  
  
Milgasia: (monotone) I thought you loved me.  
  
Gaav: What??  
  
Milgasia: Just kidding.  
  
Gaav: I would SO love to kill you right now.  
  
Martina: (wearing glasses, holding a clipboard) Now, tell me when these feelings began.  
  
Zelgadis: (laying on a psychiatrist's couch, sniffles) Well, when I was a little child, he took me fishing, and bought me Sugary Sugared Sugar- frosted Sugar Lumps, but then, one day, he turned me into-into-a FREAK!!!! (cries)  
  
Martina: (scribbles something down) And, you?  
  
Valgaav: (laying on an identical couch) It all started when I was an egg..  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Xelloss: I take thee at thy word. Call me but love, and I'll be new baptiz'd; henceforth I never will be Romeo.  
  
Lina: (finally makes it back up to the balcony, smoothens her hair) What man art thou, that, thus bescreen'd in night, so stumblest on my counsel?  
  
Xelloss: By a name I know not how to tell thee who I am: my name, dear saint, is hateful to myself, because it is an enemy to thee: had I written it, I would tear the word. If I had planted it, I would rip it up out of the ground. Had I ate it, I would have regurgitated it. Had I-  
  
NoV: Xelloss! Quit ad-libbing!  
  
Xelloss: So-RRY! Some people just don't know how to take anything!  
  
Lina: My ears have not yet drunk-  
  
Xelloss: Your ears are drunk?  
  
Lina: (clears her throat) I say, my ears have not yet drunk-  
  
Xelloss: Oh! Oh-kay!  
  
Lina: --a hundred words of that tongue's uttering, yet I know the sound: art thou not Romeo, and a Montague.  
  
Xelloss: Neither, fair maid, if either thee dislike. (thinks for a moment) You know, this Romeo guy? I think he might have the hots for Juliet?  
  
Minna: -.-0  
  
Lina: Did you just now figure that out?  
  
Xelloss: Um..yes.  
  
Lina: How cam'st thou hither, tell me, and wherefore? The orchard walls are high and hard to climb, and the place death, considering who thou art, if any of my kinsmen find thee here.  
  
Xelloss: With hatred's light wings-  
  
NoV: It's 'love's light wings,' you dummy!!  
  
Xelloss: Yes, but that's too disgusting.  
  
NoV: (sigh) Fine, fine.  
  
Xelloss: --did I o'erperch these walls; for stony limits cannot hold love out, and what love can do that dares love attempt; therefore thy kinsmen are no stop to me.  
  
(back-stage)  
  
Bishounen: (walks in with a rather large bag)  
  
NoV: Hi Bish. Where've you been?  
  
Bishounen: (glomps the bag) No where.  
  
NoV: What's in the bag?  
  
Bishounen: (squishes the bag) Nothing! (the bag squeaks) Um.. (peeks in the bag) Phew.  
  
NoV: Lemme see!!  
  
Bishounen: (gets down on his knees) Can I keep him?? Please!!!  
  
NoV: (opens the bag, pulls out a bunny) Kawaii!!! (squeezes bunny) What's his name??  
  
Bishounen: Johannn Sebastian Bach.  
  
NoV: o.0 Interesting name..  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Lina: If they do see thee they will murder thee. Which wouldn't be a bad thing by any means.  
  
Xelloss: I hack! ..I mean, alack! There lies more peril in thine eye than twenty of their swords: look thou but sweet, and I am proof against their enmity.  
  
Lina: I would not for the world they saw thee here.  
  
Xelloss: I have night's cloak to hide me from their eyes; and but thou love me, let them find me here; my life were better ended by their hate, than death prorogued, wanting of thy love.  
  
Lina: But whose dire-  
  
Gaav: (suddenly appears in front of Xelloss and Lina on the stage) Ladies and gentleman...  
  
(back-stage)  
  
NoV: (rubs already throbbing head) What now?  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Gaav: Tonight, not only do you have the opportunity to witness this disgusting soppy mess of a play, but I will grant to you the feat that no mere mortal has ever been granted! Yes, I, Mary-ou Gaav, am going to take off my trenchcoat!!  
  
Minna: (look queasy)  
  
Gaav: (begins to unbutton)  
  
Xelloss: (cheers) Ooh! Take it off! Take it ALL off!!  
  
Phibby: (looks sick) I'm just a kid! I shouldn't have to witness this horror!  
  
Gaav: (is halfway done with the buttons) Too late. I've already made up my mind and no one can stop me.  
  
Lina: (hurls over the balcony) Oh..I didn't need this.  
  
Gaav: (teasingly) Only one button left! (rips off the trenchcoat) Ta-da!!!  
  
Minna: !!!o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o!!!  
  
Gaav: (has another head under his trenchcoat) Finally, I came to terms with my other head.  
  
Other Head of Gaav: Hi!  
  
Xelloss: (is at a loss) I-I-  
  
Filia: (faints)  
  
Phibby: (begins to vomit)  
  
OhoG: My name is Ernest!  
  
Gaav: (begins to sniffle) Ernest and I..we haven't always gotten along..so I wore this big-abomination over him to try and keep him away from the sun...so he would grow very, very pale.  
  
NoV: This..makes no sense, whatsoever.  
  
Milgasia: Ew.  
  
Ernest: And I did grow pale. And now I have to wear tanning powder that makes me look like I'm not very, very pale.  
  
Gaav: My hatred of my other head nearly lead to him being ugly. But, now, we get along as well as a couple of heads can!  
  
Xelloss: I-I-I-  
  
Lina: Oh-kay, back to reality Gaav..and Ernest. Get off the stage!!  
  
Gaav: Fine! (leave)  
  
Ernest: Hmph!  
  
(both leave)  
  
Lina: (Clears her throat) By whose direction found'st thou this place?  
  
Xelloss: I-I-  
  
Lina: A-hem! By whose direction found'st thou this place??  
  
Xelloss: I-I-  
  
Lina: XELLOSS!! WAKE UP!!!  
  
Xelloss: I-I-I WASN'T READY FOR THIS!!! (faints)  
  
Lina: -.-0  
  
(back-stage)  
  
NoV: (bonks head on wall) Well, there goes my career as a playwright. I'll never get my big break now.  
  
Bishounen: Never fear!! For I, hokori-jin Bishounen no ouji, can fill in for Xelloss!  
  
NoV: I would rather eat kibbles 'n bits.  
  
Xelloss: (has swirly eyes) Two..  
  
Gaav: I knew someone would have a problem with this.  
  
Ernest: He must be twoheadaphobic.  
  
NoV: Xelloss!! (shakes him) Wake up!! I need you!!  
  
Xelloss: (suddenly oh-kay) You need me? Then, I'm no longer expendable!!  
  
NoV: ..right. Now, go perform.  
  
Xelloss: Oh, I'd be happy to perform, Miss NoV-chan...  
  
Amelia: MR. XELLOSS!!!!  
  
Xelloss: Yes, Amelia. (goes on-stage) A-hem. By L-Looo...the L word, that first did prompt me to inquire; he lent me counsel, and I lent him eyes. I am no pilot; yet wert thou as far as the vast shore wash'd with the furthest sea, I would adventure for such merchandise.  
  
Lina: Zzzzzzzzzzzz...  
  
Xelloss: O!  
  
Lina: What?? Where I am?? Oh..that's right. In hell. Thou know'st the mask of night is on my face. Else would a maiden blush bepaint my cheek. But thou over-heard'st, ere I was ware, my true love's passion: therefore pardon me, and not impute this yielding to light love, which the dark night hath so discovered.  
  
Xelloss: Lady, by yonder blessed moon I swear that tips with silver all these fruit-tree tops-  
  
Lina: O! swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon. That monthly changes in her circled orb, lest that thy love prove likewise variable.  
  
Xelloss: What shall I swear by? The cheese?  
  
Lina: Do not swear at all; or, if thou wilt, swear by thy gracious self, which is the god of my idolatry, and I'll believe thee.  
  
(back-stage)  
  
Martina: So, Ernest, I..um...haven't seen you around here before..  
  
Gaav: (Whispers) Watch out. I think she likes you.  
  
Ernest: Uh oh. Listen, Marty, you're nice and all, but I like to stick to my own kind.  
  
Martina: (looms over Gaav and Ernest) WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN????  
  
Ernest: Um..I'm...kind of...a mazoku.  
  
Martina: Wha-another one?? (faints)  
  
Gourry: (covers her with a giant blanket) Poor Martina.  
  
Sylphiel: Gourry-dear!! Come back and eat your yummy grapes!  
  
Gourry: Coming!  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Xelloss: If my heart's dear love-  
  
Lina: Well, do not swear. Although I joy in thee, I have no joy of this contract to-night: it is too rash, too unadvis'd, too sudden; too like the lightning, which doth cease to be ere one can say it lightens. Sweet, good- night! This but of love, by summer's ripening breath, may prove a beauteous flower when next we meet. Good-night. Good-night! As sweet repose and rest come to thy heart as that with my breast!  
  
Xelloss: Which is very, very small.  
  
Lina: (clonks him)  
  
Xelloss: O! wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?  
  
Lina: What satisfaction canst thou have to-night?  
  
Xelloss: Oh, well, I can think of many, many things I could have satisfaction in tonight..  
  
Lina: Say one more out-of-line word, and I'll kill you.  
  
Xelloss: The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine.  
  
Lina: I gave thee mine before thou didst request it; and yet I would it were to give again.  
  
Xelloss: Wouldst thou withdraw it? for hat purpose, love?  
  
Lina: But to be frank, and five it thee again.  
  
(back-stage)  
  
NoV: Ready, Filia?  
  
Filia: (grumbles) As I'll ever be. (Turns to Valgaav) Be good, Val-honey! Filia-momma will be right back! (steps toward the curtain)  
  
Lina: And yet I wish but for the thing I have: My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love is deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.  
  
Filia: Juliet!  
  
Lina: I hear some noise within; dear love, adieu! Anon, good nurse! Sweet Montague, be true. Say but a little, I will come again.  
  
Xelloss: O blessed, blessed night! I am afeard, being in night, all this is but a dream, too flattering to be substantial.  
  
Lina: Three words, dear Romeo, and good-night indeed. If that thy bent of love be honourable, thy purpose marriage, send me word to-morrow, by one that I'll procure to come to thee, where, and what time, thou wilt perform the rite; and all my fortunes at thy foot I'll lay, and follow thee my lord throughout the world.  
  
(back-stage)  
  
Bishounen: NoV?  
  
NoV: Yes?  
  
Bishounen: I really like your play.  
  
Nov: Aw! (huggles him) Thank-you, Bishy.  
  
Rezo: (Gurgle)  
  
Kopii: (sputter)  
  
Zelgadis: So, have you tried coffee? It works wonders for fragile nerves.  
  
Valgaav: Does it? I've always thought tea was the best. It never helps much. I'll have to try it.  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Filia: Madam!!  
  
Lina: I come, anon. -But if thou mean'st not well, I do beseech thee,--  
  
Filia: (getting impatient) MADAM!!  
  
Lina: By and by; I come;--to cease thy suit, and leave me to my grief. To- morrow will I send.  
  
Xelloss: So thrive my soul,--  
  
Lina: A thousand times good-night!  
  
Xelloss: A thousand times the worse, to want thy light. Love goes toward love, as schoolboys from their books; but love from love, toward school with heavy looks. (begins to float away)  
  
NoV: Xelloss! Stop floating, baka!  
  
Xelloss: :p  
  
Lina: Hist! Romeo, hist! O! for a falconer's voice; to lure this tassel- gentle back again. Bondage is hoarse, and may not speak aloud, else would I tear the cave where Echo lies-  
  
Xelloss: Echo, the dolphin!! I like the part where the squid-  
  
Lina: (loudly clears her throat) -and make her airy tongue more hoarse than mine, with repetition of my Romeo's name.  
  
Xelloss: It is my soul that calls upon my name: how silver-sweet sound lo- looo---the L word's tongues by night, like softest music to attending ear.  
  
Lina: Romeo!  
  
Xelloss: Filia!  
  
Filia: Namagomi!!  
  
Gourry: Zelgadis?  
  
Zelgadis: Valgaav.  
  
Valgaav: Mom!  
  
Sylphiel: Gourry-dear!  
  
NoV: You guys!!  
  
Milgasia: It's a very funny joke.  
  
Phibby: Gaav!!  
  
Gaav: Ernest!  
  
Ernest: Gaav!  
  
Martina: Mazoku..  
  
Zelas: (leers) Amelia!  
  
Amelia: (frightened) Mr. Zelgadis!  
  
Bishounen: Bishounen!  
  
NoV: Stop!!!  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Lina: Umm..at what o'clock to-morrow shall I send to thee?  
  
Xelloss: At the hour of nine.  
  
Lina: I will not fail; 'tis twenty years till then.  
  
Xelloss: It is?  
  
Lina: Shut up!! I have forgot why I did call thee back.  
  
Xelloss: 'Cuz you wuv me!  
  
Lina: Grrr..  
  
Xelloss: Let me stand here till thou remember it.  
  
Lina: I shall forget, to have thee still stand there, remembering how I love thy company.  
  
Xelloss: And I'll still stay, to have thee still forget, forgetting any other home but this.  
  
Lina: 'Tis almost morning; I would have thee gone; and yet no further than a wanton's bird-  
  
Xelloss: One time Gourry was trying to stuff this wanton in his mouth, and it fell off the chopsticks and-  
  
Lina: WHO LETS IT HOP A LITTLE FROM HER HAND, like a poor prisoner in his twisted gyves, and with a silk thread plucks it back again, so loving- jealous of his liberty.  
  
Xelloss: I would I were thy bird. (funny look) What kind of a sappy phrase was that?  
  
Lina: Sweet, so would I: yet I should kill thee with much cherishing. Good- night! Good-night! Parting is such sweet sorrow that I shall say good-night till it be morrow.  
  
Xelloss: Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, peace in thy breast! (adds) It would have to be a very tiny peace.  
  
Lina: (tries to reach out and bap him, but he floats away)  
  
Xelloss: Would I were sleep and peace, so sweet to rest! Hence will I to my ghostly father's cell, his help to crave, and my dear hap to tell.  
  
(both leave)  
  
NoV: Well, that was a very painful installment. Join us next time, if you dare! 


	10. Act 2 Scene 3

Romeo and Juliet  
  
  
  
**  
  
NoV: Hello once again. (Sighs in boredom)  
  
Gourry: (balancing a spoon on his nose) Lookatme!! I'm a seal!!!  
  
Sylphiel: (throws him a peanut that he catches in his mouth) Very good, Gourry-dear! You have so much talent!  
  
Lina: (To Zelgadis) She's only fooling herself.  
  
Zelgadis: It's sad, really.  
  
Xelloss: (to audience) We're waiting for Martina. OR, should I say 'Martin,' since she's playing a male's role.  
  
Martina: (from her dressing room) I heard that, Master Xelloss!!  
  
Xelloss: Ah.. (sinks into his chair) I just love to be called that. Somebody fan me with a giant leaf.  
  
NoV: Martina!! What's the hold-up??  
  
Martina: (Still in her dressing room) My zipper's stuck!  
  
NoV: Did you think to move your other clothes away from the zipper while zipping it up?  
  
Martina: (no response)  
  
NoV: (sigh) I'm coming in. (knocks on the door) Martina.  
  
Martina: JUSTAMINUTE!!!  
  
Xelloss: Oh, I'll help! (teleports inside the room)  
  
Martina: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!  
  
WHACK!  
  
Xelloss: (teleports out of the room, grabs NoV's collar) Don't go in there!! For the love of Zelas, don't!!!! IT WAS HORRIBLE!!!!  
  
NoV: Stop..shaking..meeeee...  
  
Zelas: (suddenly appears) I'll handle this. (Teleports in Martina's dressing room) AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! (quickly teleports out, panting) IT WAS- THE ZIPPER WAS-IT WAS HORRIBLE!!!  
  
Xelloss: Isn't that what I said?  
  
NoV: Puh-lease! It can't possibly be that bad..Phibby, you go in there.  
  
Phibby: Hey! NO way! She already hates me.  
  
NoV: Oh, no. She thinks your cute. Just pretend that you aren't evil.  
  
Phibby: But she already knows that I'm a mazoku.  
  
NoV: But..can't you hypnotize her or something?  
  
Phibby: ..no.  
  
NoV: ..  
  
Minna: ..  
  
NoV: BISHOUNEN!!!  
  
Bishounen: (zips right beside NoV) Yes? How may I be of service?  
  
NoV: (blinks) Um..scary. Bishounen, go in there and help Martina with her zipper.  
  
Bishounen: (is about to say something)  
  
Martina: OH NO HE'S NOT!!  
  
NoV: MARTINA!! My play!!!  
  
Martina: Well..he'll see my low-cut top and my very small and skimpy lower garments!!  
  
Minna: -.-  
  
Xelloss: I think he may have already seen those.  
  
Martina: Well, I refuse to let anyone see me in this condition!!  
  
NoV: What if...I blindfold him?  
  
Martina: ...  
  
NoV: Martina?  
  
Martina: ... (very small nearly inaudible voice) Oh-kay.  
  
NoV: Good. (pulls a piece of cloth from up her sleeve) Come here, Bishounen.  
  
Bishounen: Oh-kay!  
  
NoV: (Tries to reach Bishounen's eyes, but is too short) Doh...Lina, I need to borrow your stepping stool.  
  
Lina: (blush) I didn't think anybody knew about that!! (digs the stool out of her closet, hands it to NoV) Here.  
  
NoV: (Steps up, and is now tall enough, ties the cloth over Bishounen's eyes) Oh-kay, now you-  
  
Bishounen: Cool! Where's the piñata??  
  
Minna: -.-0  
  
NoV: (directs him toward the door and shoves him in)  
  
Sounds are heard inside Martina's dressing room.  
  
Martina: Now, just grab this here and pull it up.  
  
Bishounen: What? This?  
  
Martina: AAG!! NO!! NOT THAT!!! (calmer) This.  
  
Bishounen: Oh!  
  
Martina: YOWCH!! WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO ZIP, BUDDY??  
  
Bishounen: Sorry..  
  
Martina: Hmm?? HEY! It's not stuck anymore! You're a genius!!  
  
Bishounen: Wow! ..who's a genius?  
  
Martina: ..you.  
  
Bishounen: Wow! Really?  
  
(both emerge from the room, Bishounen now blindfold-less; Martina is wearing a large, brown cloak that is ten times too big for her)  
  
Martina: (clings to Bishounen's arm) Thank-you, Master Bishounen.  
  
Minna: -.-0  
  
Xelloss: Looks like she's found another one.  
  
Lina: And so soon after getting over Phibby, too.  
  
Phibby: (shrugs) What can I say? The girl's that like me learn to be fast healers.  
  
Bishounen: Listen, Miss Martina, I'm-I'm married.  
  
Martina: Did you say something, my love?  
  
Bishounen: (Sigh) No.  
  
NoV: Oh-kay, can we PLEASE start this scene????  
  
Martina: I hate to leave you like this, my dear, but the stage calls for me!  
  
Xelloss: (whisks Lina into his arms, mocking Martina) I hate to leave you like this, darling, but the stage, she calls to me!!  
  
Lina: FIREBALL!!  
  
Xelloss: (coughs) I like 'em feisty.  
  
Lina: Fruitcake.  
  
NoV: (pushes Martina and Xelloss on-stage) Get your rears in gear!!  
  
Martina: Hmph. No one has any respect for stars these days.  
  
Xelloss: Star, my stick.  
  
Martina: :P  
  
Xelloss: Good-morrow, father!  
  
Martina: OH.. (turns bright red) Benedicite! What early tongue so sweet saluteth me? Our Romeo hath not been in bed to-night.  
  
Xelloss: That last is true, the sweeter rest was mine.  
  
Martina: God pardon sin! Wast thou with Rosaline, that ugly crow-hoe?  
  
NoV: That isn't in the script, and you know it!  
  
Martina: Who cares? This is MY role, and if I have to be a male, I'm going to do it MY way!  
  
Xelloss: With Rosaline, my ghostly father? Um..ew. No; I have forgot that name, and that name's woe.  
  
Martina: That's my good son: but here hast thou been, then?  
  
Xelloss: I'll tell thee, ere thou ask it me again. To tell the truth, I was having fun at Valgaav's last night.  
  
Valgaav: AAGG!!  
  
Filia: NAMAGOMI!!! HOW DARE YOU HARM my lil Val-Val's FRAGILE PSYCHE!!!!!???!! I'll KILL you!!  
  
Xelloss: Unlikely, Fi-chan. ^.^  
  
Martina: Be plain, good son, and homely in thy drift; riddling confession finds but riddling shrift.  
  
Xelloss: Then plainly know my heart's dear love is set on the fair daughter of rich Capulet..hey, you know, some of this stuff rhymes!  
  
NoV: (flatly) Yes. That's called a 'couplet.'  
  
Xelloss: And all combin'd, save what thou must combine by holy marriage: when and where and how we met, we woo'd and made exchange of vow, I'll tell thee as we pass; but this I pray, that thou consent to marry us to-day.  
  
Martina: Pushing it a bit, aren't we? Women may fall, when there's no strength in men.  
  
Xelloss: Thou chidd'st me oft for loving Rosaline.  
  
Martina: For doting, not for loving, pupil mine.  
  
Xelloss: Wow! That rhymes too! And bad'st me bury the L word.  
  
Martina: Not in a grave, to lay in one, another out to have.  
  
Xelloss: I pray thee, chide not; she, whom I love now doth grace for grace and lo-looooo..the L word for the L word allow; the other did not so.  
  
Martina: O! she knew well thy love did read by rote and could not spell. But come, young waverer, com, go with me, in one respect I'll thy assistant be; for this alliance may so happy prove, to turn your households' rancour to pure love.  
  
Xelloss: O! let us hence; I stand on sudden haste.  
  
Martina: Wisely and slowly; they stumble that run fast.  
  
(both leave the stage)  
  
NoV: That was not too bad.  
  
Martina: (glomps Bishounen)  
  
NoV: (sigh) I have a feeling I'm going to need to bring Ah Kum here for the next scene. Otherwise, I will have made Bishounen cheat on her.  
  
Bishounen: Please..you shouldn't..  
  
Martina: Master Bishounen! Master Bishounen! (jumps up and down like a happy puppy)  
  
NoV: Join us next time! 


	11. Act 2 Scene 4

Romeo and Juliet  
  
  
  
**  
  
NoV: Welcome back to our lovely little play.  
  
Ah Kum: (angrily) Hello.  
  
NoV: Oh, yes, Ah Kum is here.  
  
Martina: (looks back and forth from Bishounen to Ah Kum, begins to wail) YOU'RE JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHERS!! (runs away) I'll never love again!!  
  
Bishounen: (Scratches his head) Oh well.  
  
Ah Kum: I hope you know that your are forbidden to see that woman again.  
  
Xelloss: (mockingly) Yes, mom.  
  
Ah Kum: (death glare)  
  
Xelloss: (backs away) Um..sorry, Miss!  
  
NoV: Let's start this scene right away. You should like it, Xelloss. Phibby and Gourry get to make fun of Filia.  
  
Filia: WHAT!  
  
Xelloss: Hey! Why don't I get to make fun of her too??  
  
NoV: I only want Phibby and Gourry for this opening scene.  
  
Phibby: Yay!  
  
Sylphiel: (lightly pokes Gourry) Gourry-dear, you're on!  
  
Gourry: Zzzzzz..  
  
NoV: (grabs a megaphone) GOURRY!!  
  
Gourry: (covers his ears) AAAAAHHH!!  
  
NoV: Stage.  
  
Gourry: (yawns) Oh-kay. (walks toward the stage)  
  
NoV: And Phibby?  
  
Phibby: (freezes in mid-step) Yes?  
  
NoV: Don't say everything backwards this time.  
  
Phibby: Gotcha!  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Phibby: I like chicken.  
  
Gourry: Huh?  
  
Phibby: Who're you?  
  
Gourry: My name's Gourry!  
  
NoV: ..why me?  
  
Phibby: Tybalt is challenging me!  
  
Gourry: Who's Tybalt?  
  
Phibby: Gaav.  
  
Gourry: Gaav is Tybalt? I thought Gaav was Gaav.  
  
Phibby: Yes, but Gaav is playing the part of Tybalt.  
  
Gourry: Oh, cool!  
  
Phibby: Back to the subject, Tybalt is the prince of cats!  
  
Gourry: He was in Cats, too?  
  
Phibby: -.-0 No. O! he's courageous. I think I'm in love.  
  
(back-stage)  
  
Gaav: Ew.  
  
NoV: Lina? Can't you convince L-sama to make them say their lines right?  
  
Lina: Sorry, but I don't think that even She can make them behave.  
  
NoV: (lowers head) My life, my career, my passion has been sunk.  
  
(On-stage)  
  
Phibby: (feels a pang of guilt for no apparent reason) Ah! The immortal passado! The punto reverso! The hay!  
  
Gourry: The what?  
  
NoV: (blink) Even Gourry got it right. A miracle!!  
  
Phibby: The pox of such antick, lisping, affecting fantasticoes, these new tuners of accents! O, their bons, their bons!  
  
Xelloss: (goes on-stage)  
  
Gourry: Hi Xelloss!  
  
(back-stage)  
  
NoV: I knew it couldn't last. Maybe Phibby will keep in line, at least.  
  
Lina: Don't expect miracles to reoccur, especially not with Gourry.  
  
Sylphiel: But, Lina!! My Gourry-dear is the most wonderful actor in the universe!!  
  
Lina: Please, don't start preaching about Justice.  
  
Amelia: Justice??  
  
Lina: Go back to sleep.  
  
Amelia: (pouts) Oh-kay.  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Phibby: Without his roe, like a dried herring. O flesh, flesh, how art thou fishified! ..fishified?  
  
Gourry: Fish??  
  
Phibby: Signior Romeo, bon jour! There's a French salutation to your French slop. You gave us the counterfeit fairly last night.  
  
Xelloss: Good-morrow to you both. What counterfeit did I give you?  
  
Phibby: The slip, sir, the slip; can you not conceive?  
  
Xelloss: ...well, last I checked...  
  
Phibby: -.- That's as much as to say, such a case as yours constrains a man to bow in the hams. The hams? Bow in the hams??  
  
Gourry: I like ham.  
  
Xelloss: Meaning-to curtsy.  
  
Phibby: Thou has most kindly hit it.  
  
Xelloss: A most courteous expression.  
  
Phibby: Nay, I am the very pink of courtesy.  
  
Xelloss: Pink for flower.  
  
Phibby: ...I have a question, Miss NoV!  
  
NoV: (sarcasm) Yes, Phibby.  
  
Phibby: Is Romeo gay?  
  
NoV: No.  
  
Phibby: Just wondering.  
  
Xelloss: Why, then, is my pump well flowered. Oh my goodness, this is a nasty play.  
  
Phibby: Well said; follow me this jest now till thou hast worn out the pump, that, when the single sole of it is worn, the jest may remain after the wearing sole singular.  
  
Xelloss: O single-soled jest! Solely singular for the singleness.  
  
Gourry: ..I'm getting confused.  
  
Phibby: Come between us, good Benvolio; my wit faints.  
  
Xelloss: Switch and spurs, switch and spurs; or I'll cry a match.  
  
Phibby: Nay, if thy wits run the wild-goose chase, I have done, for thou hast more of the wild-goose in one of thy wits than, I am sure, I have in my whole five. Was I with you there for the goose?  
  
(back-stage)  
  
Ah Kum: (glares at Bishounen)  
  
Bishounen: (weak smile) I told her I was married. Honestly, I did.  
  
Milgasia: Why did the chicken cross the road?  
  
Lina: GO AWAY!!!!  
  
Milgasia: (turns to Gaav) Why did the chicken cross the road?  
  
Gaav: TO GET AWAY FROM YOU!!!! BEGONE!!  
  
Rezo: (staggers out of the intensive care room) Did I miss anything?  
  
NoV: You haven't missed your part, if that's what you mean.  
  
Rezo: Where's Kopii?  
  
NoV: Unconscious.  
  
Rezo: Muahaha. I can use this to my advantage! I shall go and practice my lines! Say, do you have a copy of the script that's in Braille?  
  
NoV: No.  
  
Rezo: Drat.  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Xelloss: Thou wast never with me for anything when thou wast not here for the goose.  
  
Gourry: Why are we talking about gooses? ..goosells..goosi...  
  
Phibby&Xelloss: Geese.  
  
Gourry: No thanx, I just ate.  
  
Phibby: -.-0 I will bite thee by the ear for that jest.  
  
Xelloss: Nay, good goose, bite not.  
  
Gourry: Is Phibby the goose?  
  
Phibby: I AM NOT A GOOSE!!  
  
Xelloss: Why ARE we talking about geese?  
  
Phibby: Who knows? Thy wit is a very bitter sweeting; it is a most sharp sauce.  
  
Xelloss: And is it not then well served in to a sweet goose?  
  
Phibby: (Sigh) O! here's a wit of cheveril, that stretches from an inch narrow to an ell broad.  
  
Xelloss: I stretch it out for that word "broad"; which added to the goose, proves thee far and wide a broad goose.  
  
Phibby: Can we stop with the geese already?  
  
Gourry: Yes, please.  
  
Phibby: Thou desirest me to stop in my tale against the hair.  
  
Xelloss: The hair?  
  
Gourry: What hair?  
  
(back-stage)  
  
NoV: Get ready Filia and...Peter? Bishounen! I need you to play Peter!  
  
Bishounen: I don't wanna.  
  
NoV: You'll do it or-  
  
Ah Kum: YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM DO ANYTHING, SO NYAH! :p  
  
NoV: I need SOMEONE to do it!  
  
Ah Kum: I'll do it. (tosses her hair)  
  
Filia: Such strange people. (rolls her eyes) Mommy has to go now, Val-Val, but she'll be right back, she will.  
  
Valgaav: My life is heck.  
  
Filia: Ready, AK?  
  
Ah Kum: Don't call me that. But, yes, I'm ready.  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Xelloss: Here's goodly gear!  
  
Phibby: A sail, a sail!  
  
Gourry: She's really fat...  
  
Filia: (looks at the giant, padded dress she's wearing) Ooohh..you'll pay for that. Peter!  
  
Ah Kum: Anon!  
  
Filia: My fan, Peter.  
  
Phibby: Good Peter, to hide her face; for her fan's the fairer face.  
  
Filia: (growling) God ye good morrow, GENTLEMEN.  
  
Phibby: God ye good den, fair gentlewoman.  
  
Filia: Is it good den?  
  
Phibby: Yes, it is. Den we'll go to da den and get da truck and go to da door.  
  
Filia: Out upon you! What a man are you!  
  
Xelloss: One, gentlewoman, that God hath made for himself to mar.  
  
Filia: Namagomi. Where's Romeo?  
  
Xelloss: Duh.  
  
Filia: (getting angrier) You say well.  
  
Phibby: Yea! Is the worst well? Very well took, I' faith; wisely, wisely.  
  
Filia: If you be he, sir, I desire some confidence with you.  
  
Gourry: She's hungry.  
  
Filia: (Tail pops out of the giant dress)  
  
Phibby: A bawd, a bawd, a bawd! So ho!  
  
Xelloss: What hast thou found?  
  
Phibby: No hare, sir; unless a hare, sir, in a lenten pie, that is something stale and hoar ere it spent. An old hare hoar, and an old hare hoar, is very good meat in Lent: but a hare that is hoar, is to much for a score, when it hoars ere it be spent. Romeo, will you come to your father's? we'll to dinner thither.  
  
Xelloss: I will follow you.  
  
Phibby: Farewell, ancient lady; farewell!  
  
(Phibby and Gourry leave)  
  
Filia: (glares ice at Xelloss) Marry, farewell! I pray you, SIR, what saucy merchant was this, that was so full of his ropery?  
  
Xelloss: A gentleman, fat, obnoxious nurse, that loves to hear himself talk, and will speak more in a minute than he will stand to in a month.  
  
Filia: I hate you.  
  
Xelloss: (Teasingly) I hate you more!!  
  
Filia: An a' speak anything against me, I'll take him down. And thou must stand by too, and suffer every knave to use me at his pleasure!  
  
Ah Kum: Um..ew. I saw no man use you at his pleasure; if I had, my weapon should quickly have been out.  
  
Filia: Now, afore God, I am so vexed, that every part of me quivers-(adds darkly) with anger.  
  
Xelloss: Nurse, commend me to thy lady and mistress. I protest unto thee,--  
  
Filia: Good heart! And I' faith, I will tell her as much. Lord, Lord! She will be a joyful woman.  
  
Xelloss: What wilt thou tell her, nurse? Thou dost not mark me.  
  
Filia: I will tell her, namagomi, that you do protest; which, as I take it, is a gentlemanlike offer.  
  
Xelloss: Bid her devise some means to come to shrift this afternoon; and there she shall at Friar Laurence's cell be shriv'd and married. Here is for thy pains.  
  
Filia: No, truly, sir; not a penny.  
  
Xelloss: Go to; I say, you shall.  
  
(back-stage)  
  
NoV: (kicks back) Things are finally going my way.  
  
Lina: Wonder how long it'll last?  
  
NoV: Until Xelloss provokes Filia into blasting a hole in the roof.  
  
Lina: That's a good way to put it.  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Filia: This afternoon, sir? Well, she shall be there.  
  
Xelloss: And stay, good nurse; behind the abbey wall. Farewell! Be trusty and I'll quit thy pains. Farewell! Commend me to thy mistress.  
  
Filia: Now L-sama condemn thee.  
  
Xelloss: ..that's not in the script, Fi-chan.  
  
Filia: DON'T CALL ME THAT!! (tries to whack him with her mace)  
  
Xelloss: (dodges) I warrant thee my man's as true as steel. (Thinks) This is a sad, twisted play.  
  
Filia: Well, sir; my mistress (Swings at him) is the sweetest lady! (misses) Doth not rosemary and Romeo both begin with a letter? (tries to whack him on the head)  
  
Xelloss: (dodge) Ay, nurse: what of that? both with an R.  
  
Filia: Ah! Mocker; that's the dog's name. You are the dog. (whaps Xelloss' toe)  
  
Xelloss: Ow!! My nonexistent TOE!! (Stumbles away) Commend me to thy lady.  
  
Filia: Ay, a thousand times. (Smirk) Peter!  
  
Ah Kum: Anon.  
  
Filia: Before, and apace.  
  
(all three leave)  
  
Xelloss: My poor, poor toe.  
  
Filia: I only wish it had been your fat head.  
  
NoV: That's a wrap. Tune in next time. 


	12. Act 2 Scene 5

Romeo and Juliet  
  
**  
  
NoV: Hello, fans! Sorry it took me so long to get his up, I've been having some horrible tragedies lately...  
  
Xelloss: Yes, an animal died and a boy pushed her.  
  
NoV: He pushed me on purpose!! He did it because I'm ugly!!  
  
Amelia: Miss Nova-chan, you aren't ugly. He pushed you because the enemies of Justice have tricked him into wrongdoing!! It's so sad!! Justice will be avenged!!  
  
NoV: I should've fallen. Then he would've got detention. Or something.  
  
Zelgadis: Well, that certainly would've solved all of the world's problems, wouldn't it?  
  
NoV: Yes.  
  
Bishounen: Omae O Korosu pushes me around. I never complain.  
  
Xelloss: Well, that-  
  
Bishounen: Is a secret!! I remembered.  
  
Xelloss: -.-0 That's not what I was going to say. I was going to say that "that is because you're a wimp," but now it's all ruined. I don't really FEEL like saying it now.  
  
NoV: Anyway, this whole scene is only for Filia and Lina. So, everyone else can just relax-  
  
Bishounen: (plops into a La-Z-Boy) Ah..this is the life. ^.^  
  
NoV: I need you for purposes.  
  
Bishounen: Aw. I really wanted to recline. Oh well! (hops up)  
  
Lina: Come on, Filia. Let's get this annoying thing over with.  
  
Filia: At least I won't have to share the stage with that stupid namagomi.  
  
Xelloss: Uh-oh. I think she's talking about you, Valgaav.  
  
Filia: (outraged) VAL-VAL IT ISN'T TRUE!!!  
  
Val: Calm down and breathe. Sloooooooowly.  
  
Filia: (clings to Val) I didn't I didn't I didn't!!!! (sniffles) Val-Val, I'll be on-stage. Don't hesitate to page, beep, or call me.  
  
Val: Oh-kay...(grumbles) Filia-momma.  
  
Filia: (blows him a kiss)  
  
(Filia and Lina go on-stage)  
  
Lina: The clock struck nine hen I did send the nurse; in half an hour she promis'd to return. But old folks, many feign as they were dead; unwieldy, slow, heavy and pale as lead.  
  
(back-stage)  
  
NoV: Oh, no! I need Peter again!  
  
Xelloss: What for? 'Peter' has no lines.  
  
NoV: But, it says, 'Enter Nurse and Peter.'  
  
Zelgadis: Um...so?  
  
NoV: Shakespeare would roll over in his grave if I didn't send a Peter out there with the nurse!!!  
  
Ernest: I seriously doubt that.  
  
Gaav: I agree.  
  
Xelloss: You WOULD.  
  
Gaav: (chokes Xelloss) What's THAT supposed to mean??  
  
Xelloss: Gack! I was simply implying that of course you would take the same side as your other head.  
  
Gaav: (Drops him) Oh. Of course.  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Filia: Peter, stay at the gate.  
  
NoV: See, we DID need Peter.  
  
Lina: Now, good sweet nurse; O Lord! Why look'st thou sad? Though news be sad, yet tell them merrily; if good thou sham'st the music of sweet news by playing me with so sour a face.  
  
Filia: I am aweary, give me leave awhile: Fie, how my bones ache!  
  
(back-stage)  
  
Xelloss: She's such an old bat.  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Filia: I heard that, NAMAGOMI.  
  
(back-stage)  
  
Xelloss: Uh-oh. She's mad at you again, 'Val-Val.'  
  
Filia: (zips back-stage) I'll DESTROY YOU for planting such ideas into my poor lil Val-Val's head!!!! (swings at Xelloss with her mace)  
  
Xelloss: (teleports away) Take it easy, Fi-chan! Your blood pressure, your blood pressure!!  
  
(Zelgadis and Val drag Filia back on stage, kicking and screaming)  
  
Filia: (brushes off her Shakespearean dress) Baka.  
  
Lina: I would thou hadst my bones, and I thy news. Nay, come, I pray thee, speak; good, good nurse, speak.  
  
Filia: Jesu! What haste? Can you not stay awhile? Do you not see that I am out of breath?  
  
Lina: How art thou out of breath when thou hast breath to say to me that thou art out of breath.  
  
Filia: (grumbles) Smart-aleck. Well, you have made a simple choice; you know not how to choose a man: Romeo! No, not he; though his face be uglier than any man's, yet his idiocy excels all men's-  
  
Lina: Not in the script.  
  
Filia: Do you expect me to say GOOD things about that stupid namagomi? ..named Xelloss!  
  
Lina: No, no: but all this did I know before. What says he of our marriage? What of that?  
  
Filia: Lord! How my head aches; what a head have I!  
  
(back-stage)  
  
Xelloss: You know, were this an actual event that were happening, this is exactly how Filia would act.  
  
Martina: What does 'audacity' mean?  
  
Phibby: Well, it means around the same as rudeness or something surprising. Say if a teacher told a child to sit down and he replied, "I am NOT sitting down!" That would be an audacious statement.  
  
Martina: Gee. Thanks for the lesson.  
  
Phibby: You're very welcome. ^.^  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Filia: It beats as it would fall in twenty pieces! My back o' t'other side; O! my back, my back! Beshrew your heart for sending me down.  
  
Lina: Oh, brother. I' faith, I am sorry that thou art not well. Sweet, sweet, sweet nurse, tell me, what says my love?  
  
Filia: Your loves says, like a stupid baka, and a mean, and an evil, and an ugly, and, I warrant, a non-virtuous,--where is your mother?  
  
(back-stage)  
  
Xelloss: I'm beginning to suspect that Fi-chan doesn't particularly like me.  
  
NoV: Well, what was your first clue?  
  
Xelloss: The fact that she tried to poison my cake.  
  
NoV: Did she really?  
  
Xelloss: She did, indeed.  
  
NoV: ..  
  
Xelloss: ...  
  
NoV: (unbelievingly) Get OUT!  
  
Xelloss: ^_^  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Lina: Where is my mother! Why, she is within; where should be? How oddly thou repliest: "Your love says, like honest gentleman, Where is your mother?"  
  
Filia: O! God's lady dear, are you so hot?  
  
Xelloss: YES!! She's SOOOO hot!!  
  
Lina: (makes a symbol with one of her fingers)  
  
Filia: (glares) Marry, come up, I trow; is this the poultice for my aching bones? Henceforward do your messages yourself.  
  
Lina: Here's such a coil! Come, what says Romeo?  
  
Filia: Have you got leave to go to shrift to-day?  
  
(back-stage)  
  
Val: Have you ever read the poem, "The Feather Pillow"?  
  
Zelgadis: I try very hard to keep such images out of my head.  
  
Ernest: Ooh! Buffet! I want one of those, Gaav-chan.  
  
Gaav: (puts a mint on a plate) Oh-kay, anything else?  
  
Gourry: BUFFET!!! (jumps on the table and devours it all; belches)  
  
Ernest: Erm..no.  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Lina: I have.  
  
Filia: Then hie you hence to Friar Laurence's cell, there stays a husband to make you a wife: now comes the wanton blood up in your cheeks, they'll be in scarlet straight at any news. Go, I'll to dinner; hie you to the cell.  
  
Lina: Hie to high fortune! Honest nurse, farewell.  
  
(both exit the stage)  
  
Zelas: Raise your hand if you want to touch it.  
  
Phibby: Said that on your honeymoon, did you?  
  
Zelas: I was referring to my fur boot lining.  
  
Phibby: Oh, sorry. I really should be paying attention.  
  
Lina: Does anybody know what 'hie' means?  
  
Minna: No.  
  
NoV: (bursts) I get to have a party Tuesday!!  
  
Xelloss: (looks at her funny) Who has parties on Tuesdays? And what's more, who comes to them?  
  
NoV: No, no, you silly. A party at school. We're having the *HSGE this week, and I don't have to take it Tuesday! YAY!!! So, me and Kimi-san are having a party first block!! YAI!  
  
Martina: The word is 'wai.'  
  
NoV: We've been through this. Kimi-san made up the word 'yai' so she could spread it and get people to think it's a real word. Help her out, here.  
  
Martina: Whatever.  
  
NoV: Well, I'll definitely have the next chapter sooner than this one was, so look for it! 


	13. Act 2 Scene 6

Romeo and Juliet  
  
**  
  
(smoke fills the back of the stage/Cutie Corner)  
  
NoV: (cries) Hello, everyone. I tried to bake cookies and caught the oven on fire. (sniffles)  
  
Xelloss: (Coughs) That's because you tried to bake them in a pan that had rivets in it.  
  
Gourry: (munching) Hey! These cookies are great! (stuffs about thirty burnt blobs into his mouth)  
  
Lina: Oy. (whacks herself in the head)  
  
NoV: (sniffles) Let's get started. Xelloss, Martina? It's time for the wedding scene.  
  
Xelloss: (Sweatdrops) Is this part...essential to the rest of the play?  
  
NoV: Yes.  
  
Xelloss: Do we have to do it?  
  
NoV: YES.  
  
Xelloss: Really?  
  
NoV: YES!!!  
  
Xelloss: (sigh) Oh-kay. But, I won't like it.  
  
(Xelloss and Martina head toward the stage)  
  
Martina: (looks back) I changed my wardrobe. (leaves)  
  
NoV: (does a double take) MARTINA!!!! YOU CAN'T BE FRIAR LAURENCE IN A BIKINI!!!!  
  
Martina: (pops her head back through the curtain) And, why not?  
  
Xelloss: Yeah, why not? I think she looks very good like she is.  
  
Martina: (turns blue) I'm gonna put on that really big robe...right now. (grabs the brown robe and throws it on) I'm ready now!!  
  
(both go on-stage)  
  
Martina: So smile the heaven upon this holy act, that after hours with sorrow chide us not!  
  
Xelloss: Amen, amen! But come what sorrow can, it cannot countervail the exchange of joy that one short minute gives in her sight: do thou but close our hands with holy words; then..the L word-devouring death do what he dare; it is enough I may but call her mine.  
  
(back-stage)  
  
Phibby: Hey, director-man?  
  
Bishounen: (Stares into space awkwardly)  
  
Phibby: (pokes him)  
  
Bishounen: Hello, Phibby!  
  
Phibby: (Sweatdrops) Isn't this supposed to be an angsty play?  
  
Bishounen: I dunno.  
  
Phibby: It IS supposed to be angsty. But, it ISN'T.  
  
Bishounen: ...Yay!  
  
Phibby: AAG! (runs away)  
  
Rezo: Must...defeat...idiot...  
  
Kopii: Must...kill...baka...  
  
NoV: Get ready, Lina. You have to go out there after Martina's speech.  
  
Lina: Oh-kay.  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Martina: These violent delights have violent ends, and in their triumph die, like fire and powder which, as they kiss, consume: the sweetest honey is loathsome in his own deliciousness and in the taste confounds the appetite: therefore love moderately; long love doth so; too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.  
  
(back-stage)  
  
NoV: (giggles in delight) Here it is! The big marriage scene! Go on, Lina! Everybody watch! Watch!! WATCH!! I COMMAND YOU!!!  
  
Lina: (rolls her eyes and walks on-stage)  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Martina: Here comes the lady: O! so light a foot will ne'er wear out the everlasting flint: a lover may bestride the gossamer that idles in the wanton summer air, and yet not fall; so light is vanity.  
  
Lina: Good-even to my ghostly confessor.  
  
Martina: Romeo shall thank thee, daughter, for us both.  
  
Lina: Wait. Stop. Is Martina my father?  
  
Xelloss: That was an odd question.  
  
Lina: ...YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT!!  
  
NoV: No. I don't.  
  
Lina: ...as much to him, else are his thanks too much.  
  
Xelloss: (glomps Lina) Ah! Juliet, if the measure of the joy be heap'd like mine-  
  
Lina: (threateningly) Unless you want to be 'heap'd' on the floor-  
  
Xelloss: (lets go and attaches to her arm instead) Like mine, and that thy skill be more to blazon it, then sweeten with thy breath this neighbour air, and let music's tongue unfold the imagin'd happiness that both receive in either by this dear encounter.  
  
Lina: (snatches her arm back and whacks Xelloss) Conceit, more rich in matter than in words brags of his substance, not of ornament: they are but beggars that can count their worth; but my true love is grown to much excess I cannot sum up half my sum of wealth.  
  
Martina: Come, come with me, and we will make short work; for, by your leaves, you shall not stay alone till holy church incorporate two in one.  
  
Lina: ...time to leave already? What happened to the wedding? Aren't Romeo and Juliet supposed to get hitched at this particular time?  
  
Xelloss: You were looking forward to the kiss, weren't you?  
  
(SMACK!!)  
  
Xelloss: (now has a big red handprint on his face) That means 'yes' in Lina. Til we next meet! Parting is such sweet divine sorrow!! 


	14. Act 3 Scene 1

Romeo and Juliet  
  
(backstage)  
  
NoV: .....summer bores me, so I decided to wind the gears and start up the play again!  
  
Lina: Oh, and you weren't bored LAST summer?? You left this stupid play just hanging in the air for almost two years!! How could you do that to us??  
  
NoV: So you DO like the play.   
  
Xelloss: Of course she does.  
  
NoV: And YOU like it too, huh, Xelly?  
  
Xelloss: Well....err.....  
  
Bishounen: (in the closet) Hey! Lemme out!  
  
Xelloss: Must go tend to Bisho!  
  
NoV: Zelgadis, you like my play, right?  
  
Zelgadis: YOUR play? That's funny. I was sure this was Shakespeare's play....  
  
NoV: (huffs) FINE!! I need Mercutio and Benvolio. Phibby? Gourry?  
  
Gourry: Zzzzz....  
  
Lina: (hits him) Wake up, stupid!  
  
Gourry: Wha??? Is it time for lunch yet?  
  
NoV: No. It's time for Act three! After all these years.....(grabs Phibby by the collar as he makes his way for the stage) And if you screw up like you did last time you went on stage, I'll—  
  
Phibby: (pops away and reappears by the curtain) Yeah, yeah.....  
  
NoV: Try to be entertaining for our audience!......wait! Is there still an audience out there?? (sticks her head through the curtain; gets hit with a tomato; goes backstage) Yep. They're still out there. (wipes off the tomato juice)  
  
Milgasia: I'm going on vacation.  
  
NoV: No! You can't! You're the prince!!! You have to make peace at the end of the play!! You can't just walk out on me!  
  
Milgasia: Just kidding.  
  
NoV: -.-0  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Gourry: I pray thee....good Mercutio, let's retire: the day is hot, the Capulets abroad, and if we meet, we shall not 'scrape a brawl; for now these hot days, is the mad blood stirring.  
  
(backstage)  
  
NoV: Oh, Gourry, you're my hero!!!  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Gourry: I am??  
  
Phibby: You're like one of those guys that walks into a bar and says "Ow!"  
  
Gourry: Really? .....what does that mean?  
  
Phibby: You're as hot as Jack and so moody....Phibby like moody.  
  
(backstage)  
  
NoV: (flipping through the script) Well....it's not word for word, but....it's as close as we've gotten from Phibby, so.....I shall not bother him.  
  
Filia: Val-darling, what are you doing?  
  
Val: Making gravy.....wanna try some?  
  
Filia: Sure! Hmmm....(tastes the gravy) That's the best gravy in the whole world! I'm gonna tell everyone! AHH! (falls down unconscious)  
  
NoV: Would you two stop playing around? Things are finally sorta going my way over here!  
  
Gaav: Ernest, it's about time for my big scene.....I'm kinda nervous.....  
  
Ernest: Don't worry, big brother. I'm there for you 100%.  
  
Gaav: I love you, man!  
  
Ernest: Me too! And, if I had arms, I'd hug ya.  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Gourry: What?  
  
Phibby: Something about eyes, eggs, nuts, and hair.....  
  
Gourry: I like eggs! And nuts!  
  
Phibby: That's.....disturbing.....  
  
Gourry: Hey, look! It's....some guy!  
  
Phibby: So what?  
  
Gaav: (goes on-stage) Follow me, for I will speak to them. Those poor, infantile, low-life, consternated—  
  
NoV: Gaav!!  
  
Gaav: Good day, gentlemen! A word with one of you!  
  
Phibby: With me, right? You wanna have a word with me?  
  
Gaav: You shall find me apt enough to that, sir, an you will give me occasion.  
  
Phibby: What?  
  
Gaav: Mercutio, thou consort....'st....with Romeo---  
  
Phibby: Consort! Who else yelled out consort when they got mad?....who......I know it....I'll think of it....  
  
Gourry: Guys, stop fighting!  
  
Phibby: Who's fighting?  
  
(backstage)  
  
NoV: Okay, Xelloss....go now.....Xelloss??? God!!!!!!!!  
  
Filia: You should have figured the stupid namagomi wouldn't come through for you! You should have picked a nobler, down-to-earth, blessed soul like Val-Val to play the part of Romeo!  
  
NoV: (grabs Zelas by the shirt) Where is he?? I know that you know where he is!!  
  
Zelas: Hey! (wrestles her shirt away) This is silk!  
  
NoV: What did he say right before I saw him last.....the closet!! (runs over and opens the closet)  
  
Xelloss: (sitting among some clothes with Bishounen) Merry Christmas!!  
  
NoV: You're on, you're on!! Act three!! They're dying out there!!  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Gaav: Um....I wonder.....what's taking Romeo so long....  
  
Gourry: Who's Romeo? Is he your OTHER other head?  
  
Ernest: What?? How could you hide another other head from me all these years??  
  
Gaav: I-I didn't! I swear, Ernest!  
  
Ernest: Aww, I can't stay mad at you, Gaav-bunny.....  
  
Xelloss: (bounds on-stage, dragging a flowery hat) Tybalt, the reason that I have to love thee (kicks the hat away) is because you're just so loyal and cuuuuuute.   
  
NoV: OY.....(slaps herself)  
  
Gaav: Boy, this shall not excuse the pain, torment, and heartache that came when I was cast aside by my own friends and treated like I was lower than dirt! All those years ago....I was starved for affection, for attention!!  
  
NoV: Remind me, someone. Who the hell was the casting agent that helped me make such wonderful decisions such as casting Gaav in the play?  
  
Bishounen: Oooh! That was me! (beams)  
  
NoV: (softens) Oh, that's wonderful, sweetie.  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Xelloss: I do protest, I never injur'd thee....as I recall I was always on the rough end of our "encounters."  
  
Gourry: Are you guys like aliens or something?  
  
Minna: (sweatdrop)  
  
Phibby: O calm, dishonorable, vile, yet starved for affection, I'll admit, alla stocata, virgin pina colada! Tybalt, you rat-catcher!  
  
Gaav: Rat catcher??  
  
Ernest: He won't take that sitting down! Or standing....or laying....  
  
Gaav: If it's a fight you want.....  
  
Phibby: You stupid blowhard! You can't even find your way to the pointy end of the sword!  
  
Gaav: (pulls out his sword) I.....am for you! (dramatic pose)  
  
Xelloss: (grabs Gourry by the arm) And Gourry is for me.   
  
Phibby: (floats to Gaav and pulls his finger back and forth between Gaav's arm) I'm not touching you! I'm not touching you!  
  
Gaav: Grrr....(swings his sword and misses) Come back here, you little arrogant—  
  
Gourry: Guys....don't ruin NoV's play that she tried so hard to make good....  
  
NoV: Gourry! It's okay! They're doing it right!!  
  
Gourry: Guys!! I said (smashes Phibby's head into Gaav's head) stop fighting. (pleased) I did real good, huh, Lina?  
  
Lina: -.-0  
  
NoV: (frantically flipping through the script) Well.....I suppose it's okay....they both WERE supposed to die....  
  
Xelloss: Hey! No fair! I was supposed to get to kill Gaav! (whines)  
  
NoV: Too bad! You should have kept Gourry under control!  
  
Xelloss: Why is he MY responsibility?  
  
Zelgadis: Because. You two are in the 'sanctity of buddydome', remember?  
  
Gourry: Yeah! That means we're friends forever!   
  
Xelloss: Oy vey.....  
  
NoV: Join us for the next installment....which will be up before two years is. 


	15. Act 3 Scene 2

Romeo and Juliet

NoV: Welp, didn't get many reviews on that last one, eh?  
  
Zelgadis: Who cares?  
  
NoV: They're probably mad because it's been two years since I've updated.....they think that....I'm flaky.  
  
Gourry: (Scratches NoV's head making dandruff scatter around) You sure are.  
  
NoV: -.-0 Anyway, might as well get started. Juliet? Lina? You're up. Filia? Be ready to go on after Lina's speech.  
  
Lina: (goes on-stage) Gallop apace, you fiery-footed steeds, towards Phoebus' lodging, such a waggoner—  
  
(backstage)  
  
NoV: At least some people attempted to know their lines.....  
  
Xelloss: I have some business to attend to, so—  
  
NoV: Hey! You can't go—aw, what do I care? You're not in this scene....go. Vanish away. I'll have less headaches when you're gone.  
  
Xelloss: (teleports)  
  
Martina: So.....Rezo? You have any plans for after the play?  
  
Rezo: Well, I had hoped to—oof! (gets elbowed by Kopii) I mean, no. Did you have anything in mind?  
  
Martina: Well, maybe you wanna catch a movie?  
  
Zelgadis: Oh, yes. He'd love to go WATCH a movie with you. (smirk)  
  
Amelia: Mr. Zelgadis! Please help me revive Mr. Phibby and Mr. Gaav! (to Gourry) You certainly did hit them hard, didn't you?  
  
Filia: Why would you want to waste your time helping stupid, selfish mazoku? They're not in the play anymore! I say leave them to rot.  
  
Amelia: But, Miss Filia, it would be so unjust to leave them uncared for and unconscious! Who knows what doom may befall them!  
  
NoV: Filia, are you listening for your cue?  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Lina: --to an impatient child that hath new robes and may not wear them. O! here comes my nurse.  
  
Filia: (enters)  
  
Lina: And she brings news; and every tongue that speaks but Romeo's name speaks heavenly eloquence. Now, nurse, what news? What hast thou there? The cords that Romeo bade thee fetch?  
  
Filia: Ay, ay, the cords. (throws the thick, black cables on the floor)  
  
Lina: Ah me, (mutters) what large cords ye bringeth.....what news? Why dost thou wring thy hands?  
  
Filia: Ah well-a-day! He's dead, he's dead, he's dead! We are undone, lady, we are undone! Alack the day! He's gone, that filthy mazoku, he's kill'd he's dead!  
  
Lina: Can heaven be so envious?  
  
Filia: Romeo can, though heaven cannot. O, ye gods in heaven!!! Romeo, Romeo, who ever would have thought it!!! ROMEO!!  
  
Lina: Errr.....Hath Romeo slain himself?  
  
Filia: I wish, honey. I saw the wound, I saw it with mine eyes, God save the mark! Here on his manly breast—  
  
Xelloss: (phases in) Manly breast?  
  
NoV: I thought you were doing something. -.-0  
  
Xelloss: I was.  
  
Filia: (evil look at Xelloss through the curtains) Pale, pale as ashes, all bedaub'd in blood. All in gore blood; I swooned at the sight! Oh, the bloody, mangled, grungy filth that was once your love! Oh, how bloody, blood-spattered, gory, blood, blood......ahem....  
  
Lina: Ye gods....-.-0 O break, my heart!  
  
Filia: Oh Tybalt! Tybalt! The best friend I had: O courteous (makes a gagging motion) Tybalt! O honest gentleman. (cough) That ever I should live to see thee dead. (mutters) That we could only be so lucky....  
  
Lina: Is Romeo slaughter'd, and is Tybalt dead? You care to explain what REALLY happened, there nurse?  
  
Filia: 0 Tybalt is gone and Romeo banished. Romeo, who kill'd him, he is banished.  
  
Lina: O God! Did Romeo's hand shed Tybalt's blood?  
  
Filia: It did, it did; alas, the day! It did.  
  
Lina: O serpent heart—  
  
(backstage)  
  
NoV: Better to tune out so long a soliloquy.  
  
Xelloss: You know, it was really BENVOLIO'S hand that shed Tybalt's blood.....or at least cracked Tybalt's skull.  
  
NoV: Yes, but we're hoping the audience isn't that alert.  
  
Amelia: (fanning Phibby and Gaav periodically) Maybe they'll be awake in time for the banquet...  
  
(on-stage)  
  
Lina: (ears perk at the backstage mention of food) And, yeah, raven, saint, villain, paradise, bla, bla, bla....  
  
Filia: (sweatdrop) Um....shame come to Romeo! That vile little monster.....  
  
Lina: Blister'd be thy tongue! (mutters) Although I must agree with you.....for such a wish! He was not born to shame: upon his brow shame is asham'd to sit....which really just confused me....  
  
Filia: Ditto.....Will you speak well of him that kill'd your cousin?  
  
Lina: Shall I speak ill of him that is my husband. Gah.....Where is my father and my mother, nurse?  
  
NoV: (whispers) Lina, you just skipped a huge paragraph!  
  
Lina: On purpose!  
  
Filia: Ahem. Weeping and wailing over Tybalt's corpse. Will you go to them? I will bring you thither.  
  
Lina: Wash they his wounds with tears; mine shall be spent when theirs are dry for Romeo's banishment. Take up those cords. Poor ropes, you are beguil'd, both you and I for Romeo is exiled. Come, cords; come nurse; I'll go to my wedding bed; and death, not Romeo, take my maidenhead!  
  
Filia: Hie to your chamber; I'll find Romeo to comfort---ackk!!!! (trips over the cords)  
  
Lina: -.-0 I told you to take those up....  
  
Filia: (blushing fiercely) Um, um, hark ye! Your Romeo will be here tonight! I'll to him; he is hid at Laurence's cell! (gets up)  
  
Lina: O! find him; give this ring to my true knight, ah geez.....and bid him come to take his last farewell!  
  
(exeunt)  
  
Filia: Oh, I can't BELIEVE I tripped!!  
  
Xelloss: (holding a camera) I can't BELIEVE I caught it on tape!  
  
Filia: (fumes) OOH!! I am SICK of your stupid mazoku video camera!!!! (tries to grab it away from him) Come back here!!  
  
NoV: (sweatdrops) Well....join us for the next installment....I guess...  
  
Filia: NAMAGOMI!!!!!! 


End file.
